


This is how we always fall apart

by redlipsredledger



Series: Meet me on the battlefield [1]
Category: Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Awesome Natasha Romanov, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov Friendship, F/M, Fake Character Death, Memory Alteration, Natasha Romanov Needs a Hug, Parent Natasha Romanov, Protective Natasha Romanov, Secret Child, Secrets, Stolen Lives, Stolen Moments, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-04-21 08:27:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 45,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22054768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redlipsredledger/pseuds/redlipsredledger
Summary: Bucky Barnes is dead and the world is unsure whether he died a hero or a villain; the world is unsure on whether the legacy he left behind will be one marked by his heroics or marred by the crimes of The Winter Soldier but one thing is for sure: In the eyes of the woman who loved him, he'll always be remembered as the biggest part of her and she will always, always love him.Bucky Barnes is dead. Bucky Barnes is dead and Natasha Romanov has traveled the world over looking for someone to blame for that until she learns that she has a reason now not only to live but a legacy belonging to him that the world will never ever know if she can help it.Bucky Barnes is supposed to be a father, not a memory.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov
Series: Meet me on the battlefield [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2027219
Comments: 44
Kudos: 56





	1. The world has gone to hell

**Author's Note:**

> yeah yeah i know i'm all over with shiz but my friends send me prompts and then i have to run with it because my brain is a d-bag.

No one knew what Natasha Romanov did when she got off of work, well no one but Clint Barton anyway but Clint knew more than most people did about her; she trusted him because he was still her best friend no matter what happened and she knew she could count on him no matter what happened and that probably explained why he was the only person truly privy to her secrets and by proxy, so were Kate and Clint's ex wife Bobbi. 

Well some of them anyway, they were aware of the basics but anything deeper remained securely locked inside of the vault that was her best friends brain and she knew that he wouldn't sell her out or tell people more than she wanted them to know because he knew the cost if he did something that stupid. Natasha was a guarded person for a lot of very, very good reasons; she'd been through more than most could comprehend and more than anyone ever should.

Every time he looked at her he wished that she was dealt a better hand than she was; Natasha had maintained that a lot of what she'd been through was because she'd made the wrong choices but what could you expect if you took a child and lied to them so badly that they believed you were their only hope? No one could blame her for what she'd been through or what she'd done. She was a goddamn child. She had no other options and she didn't know any better.

It wasn't her fault and his eyes, it never would be. They'd been through a lot and met many, many hurdles over the years but ultimately they were both still there when they needed someone to turn to and he knew that was always something he could count on and eventually, so did she. It had taken something really, really freaking horrible for her to realise it but Natasha Romanov had showed up at his place one night quite literally covered in blood - not hers, he'd learned that pretty quickly when he'd lost his shit - and trying so hard to hold it together that it had literally taken just the tiniest tap for her bravado to break.

Natasha didn't break. Not ever. 

She was too strong for that and she was too stubborn for it, she buried everything so deeply inside of her that most people would watch her face trial after trial and be left with the impression that she was wholly and completely unshaken by everything but he knew better. She was still a person beneath it all and most people didn't seem to realise that and those that did forgot it easily when she seemed strong again.

He didn't though, he never had.

Vulnerabilities and strengths, ups and downs, highs and lows? He'd seen it all with her and he was more than aware that though she carried herself well and she seemed so brilliantly composed inside of her there waged a war that threatened to consume everything she was and she fought that war all alone for the most part except for those brief, fleeting rare moments like then where she'd show up and have faced something so goddamn horribly overwhelming that she had no choice but to admit that she needed help.

That night had been one of them. Natasha had been literally shaking when she'd showed up at his apartment, covered in blood and pale as a goddamn corpse and by the time he'd gotten her to come inside and talk to him, she'd seemed almost numb but there was an anger simmering just below the surface, he could see it in her eyes and he had to find a way to abate that for long enough to get her to tell him what the hell had happened.

He couldn't help her if he didn't know and she'd obviously wanted his help or she wouldn't be there. She had plenty of places she could run to if she just wanted some place to be alone with her thoughts but instead, she'd showed up at her best friends place and so it was natural to assume that she needed _someone._

For the longest time she'd just stared dead ahead, running her hand idly over Lucky's fur while she just disappeared off into a place that no one could follow but eventually, she'd turned to him and at first she'd simply said two words: He's dead.

She was broken, so very utterly devastated in a way that he couldn't even begin to help her with but that would never, ever deter him from trying. She'd been there for him through some pretty shitty things, some things that had broken something inside of him that he wasn't sure he'd ever recover from and she'd helped him to get better so, he was damn well going to do the same for her without even a second thought.

_He's dead._

James, he knew she meant Bucky - she was probably the only person he knew that called him James - without even asking her and so he didn't, he wouldn't put her through the pain of having her say his name and 'Dead' in the same sentence, he wasn't cruel. He knew what they'd been through together and he knew what she'd lost and what she'd endure over the years especially when it came to them. He knew how much she loved him and he knew how much it must be tearing her apart to have lost him like that.

Death was pretty permanent. Sometimes. In this world it was a little bit complicated, death could either stick and dead was dead or they'd be brought back and life would throw them into some new, fresh hell weeks later. Life was weird.

He let her just sit there for as long as she needed while he talked to her about absolutely nothing. If that was all he could do for her in that moment then he'd gladly do it; he'd sit there and he'd hold her and he'd let her quietly sob and not mention anything about it while he talked about absolutely nothing at all so that she didn't feel like he was drawing attention to it. She hated it when she was weak and she hated it even more when people pointed out that she was or drew attention to it.

He'd learned not to quickly. 

Eventually she'd fallen asleep on his couch after he'd insisted that she shower; she wouldn't eat anything because she felt too sick after spending hours just lost in grief. He could relate; he'd felt the same with Bobbi but he didn't say a word to her about that. She knew he could relate already she didn't need him saying it, she needed him to just be a shoulder that she could lean on when her own strength faltered the same way that he always had.

She knew that he always would be, Clint Barton loved Natasha Romanov in a very complicated kind of way but ultimately he was her best friend and he'd always made sure that she knew that above all else.

Come morning, it had been almost like the world had ended for her and that didn't change for weeks. He could see the emptiness in her even when she decided that someone out there had to pay the price for what had happened, he should be avenged in some manner or another and she'd track down every last person that played even a tiny part in what had happened to him; she'd watched him die on that table at SHIELD and there had been nothing that she could do about it.

She'd watched her world end and now all she had left was the anger. It was one of the stages of grief and he hoped eventually when she worked through it all that she'd start to find a way to heal but that wouldn't happen for a very, very long time. There was still so much pain inside of her that healing now would be impossible for her until she'd worked through it all. He might not agree with the way that she was doing that and he'd been very vocal about that fact but he understood that she was doing what she felt she had to.

He'd gone dark too in his pain so he was hardly in any position to lecture her on it, she'd reminded him of that too and he'd been pissed as hell about it at first but she was right. She deserved to work through this any goddamn way she had to work through it. James Barnes was the love of her life and while he may have hated that fact once upon a time? Nothing would change it and now she felt lost and hollowed out by the loss of the person she loved.

No one had the right to tell her how she dealt with that.

That went on for the better part of two months though until one day, she'd passed out in the field and it was in that moment that people started to realise that there was something wrong with Natasha that might very well be not just emotional; a few people theorised that she'd just burned herself out with her revenge kick and maybe they were right but he didn't think so, Natasha had been through so much and never once had she faltered like that.

He'd seen her go through absolute hell and she'd always managed to pull herself out if it with a strength that was admirable. He knew that the fight in her was simply too strong.

She'd clean, straight up passed out and she could've goddamn died. She'd brushed it off like it was nothing though, she'd said that she'd just forgotten to eat but no one that knew her believed that was all it was; Natasha had always, always hated the infirmary and she hated undergoing absolutely any tests at all but after literally being bugged into it by him, Steve (who reminded her that Bucky wouldn't want her to risk her health for anything) and Maria, she'd eventually given in and she'd stayed the night for observations.

Observations, that was all that she'd agreed to and she'd told every goddamn person that had come near her and mentioned a test that she'd snap their neck before they even got close enough to her to do anything and no one had a reason to doubt that she would; Natasha Romanov was hurting and angry and looking for something to take away even a part of the pain that she'd felt; her crusade hadn't alleviated even a little bit of it. It still hurt as much as it had when she'd started.

She missed him so goddamn badly.

It just wouldn't stop. She didn't want to be back at SHIELD, it was the last place in the world that she wanted to be but there was nowhere else for people like her, she was different and a regular hospital wasn't - and would never be - an option. She needed to be here even if it was just so they'd shut the hell up and accept that there was nothing wrong with her and let her get on with whatever she needed to do in order to just feel something besides the pain and the loss.

Every time she was in here she could hear the machines screaming in her head all over again, it was so loud it was deafening and she couldn't block it out; she didn't sleep, not even a little bit. Clint had stopped by the next morning and asked her - repeatedly - to let them to some blood work at the very least just to check that it hadn't been any kind of poison that had knocked her on her ass and she'd outright refused. Again.

There was no way in hell anyone was coming anywhere near her with any kind of needle, never again. He wouldn't win.

Somewhere around lunchtime when Natasha had vowed if they didn't willfully discharge her soon, Logan had decided to stop by or more he'd been passing through to drop something off and Maria had told him she was going insane in the Infirmary and demanding to be let out when no one had a goddamn clue what had made her pass out in the field. Needless to say he'd given her a rather stern look and shook his head at her as he lingered in the doorway of her room; he rose a brow as he studied her.

Logan's head tilted softly to the side as he made his way inside of the room and stood little more than a hands distance away from her and he studied her with a look in his eyes that she'd never seen before. She frowned at him and blew out a sigh.

"What? If you're gonna tell me I look like shit don't-" He cut her off.

"Natasha, you're pregnant." Logan's enhanced senses meant he could quite literally hear the thudding of a second heartbeat.

He'd been able to hear it the second he'd stood in the doorway but he'd been unsure on whether he was actually hearing something or whether it was someone in the next room but being this close? He was absolutely certain that there was indeed a second heartbeat. A second person. Natasha Romanov was pregnant.

"What? Did you hit your damn head?" She rolled her eyes at him. 

No. That was impossible.

"You're pregnant, Natasha. I can hear it. I can hear the beating heart." He knew she had no reason to distrust him but she sure as hell looked at him like she did.

That hurt.

"I can't be." She muttered defiantly shaking her head vehemently.

"You are." He was absolutely certain she was.

"Get an Ultrasound, you'll see it for yourself kid." He was adamant. 

"Fine. Just to prove you wrong." He was wrong. He had to be wrong. There was no fucking way in hell.

It was impossible and if she was then the baby was... She started then to hyperventilate. She couldn't even bring herself to consider the idea and it was the most human that she'd felt in a hell of a long time. Anyone that _really _truly knew Natasha knew that she'd been through something horrible once upon a time and she couldn't bring herself to go through that again. She couldn't do it. No. He was wrong. He had to be wrong.

But he wasn't. She'd conceded - reluctantly - to the scan and as she stared there at the tiny being growing inside of her, her green eyes shot toward her _Little Uncle _and she narrowed them at him. It wasn't his fault, she knew that. He wasn't to blame for any of the situation that she was in but she was frustrated and now, now she was going to be responsible for another life. Another life that could face hell the way that she did and that hardly seemed fair but the alternative was far too painful for her to consider.

"You can't tell anyone, Logan. I mean it. Not a word." She sounded deadly serious and the look in her eyes told him she was too.

"Your friends, Nat you can't go through this alone." He was trying to reason with her but it was doing no good.

She shook her head. She was absolutely certain that this would be something that indeed she would do and she'd do so in her own way. They wouldn't - and couldn't - know a damn thing about what she was going through because she couldn't stand the thought of this poor, innocent child being wrapped up in a world fraught with danger.

Her grief would be bad enough but even then, Natasha knew that one person in the world bar Logan would indeed know: Clint Barton. If she was going to disappear she needed to be sure that her best friend wouldn't be stupid enough to come looking for her. She needed to be sure that he'd let her become a shadow. She needed to know that he'd help her if she ever needed it but he'd never, ever look for her unless she reached out first.

He'd hated it, of course he had. He'd asked her to stay a million times but he could see it in her face that she didn't want to and that she couldn't do that. She'd already made up her mind and she needed to go and it was about her, it was about what she needed because God knew she'd given enough to everyone else already.

She'd made him promise that he'd say goodbye for her but that he'd never tell them why.

Clint Barton was a vault of Natasha Romanov's secrets and that would never, ever change.

That vault would remain locked forever if that was what she wanted. He hated goodbyes.


	2. Life is funny that way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She has a quiet life moving from place to place to stay safe because that's playing it safe right? Moving around means less chance of being tracked down, moving around means that you were harder to find because you left no trail once you flipped and left again... Unless you did. Unless you left a trail behind that you didn't mean to leave and now, now a monster has decided that you're not done being his toy after all.
> 
> She's left with one choice: Run.
> 
> Where are you going to run to this time, Little Spider? Who can you even trust anymore when you need to keep that baby of yours safe?

Sometimes it was surprising how fast the years went. She didn't much notice them before because she would probably live forever and that was her curse. She'd live and she'd forever be displaced in this world and that would be her pain, the last and ultimate pain that Ivan had inflicted upon her and she resented him for it to this day. She hated how easy it had been to trick her into taking that goddamn serum. 

She hadn't thought she was being played at the time though, she had been young and naive and she'd thought he'd honestly cared about her but then, she realised now that back then she'd had no one that genuinely did. She was young, foolish and easily led and she'd vowed that she'd never ever allow herself to be manipulated by another person as long as she lived and she hadn't been, at least not for long. She always, always fought to come out of whatever anyone did to her.

Natasha was strong. Granted, there were times that her strength had failed her but it was only ever momentarily. She'd pick herself up and remind herself of who she was and what she'd overcome and how much her pain had taught her over the years and she'd shake it off and get up and fight back. Down but never out, never ever out.

Until he'd died. It was then that she felt like she was indeed down and out because it felt like the world had ended that day, she'd lost people in the past but never like that. She had never had to stand there and watch the man that she loved die while she begged someone - anyone - to do anything. Anything to save him, anything to stop him dying on her then but there had been nothing anyone _could _do. 

Sometimes not even SHIELD could pull off a miracle that good. She didn't hate them for it anymore, she had but she didn't now. What was the use in hating them? It would get her nowhere. Resentment and anger toward them wasn't going to bring him back, it wasn't going to change anything that happened that day but that didn't mean that she didn't still hate herself somewhere inside of her but she'd tried to bury it.

Parenting was _hard. _No one told you that. No one told you how impossible it was to live with such a crushing sadness and be overwhelmed with such love all at the same time; she'd always been so closed off to most things by design. If nothing got that close, it couldn't hurt that much when she'd lost it. That was why a part of her - just for a moment - had wished that she'd never let him get close to her again, it wouldn't have hurt so bad.

Ha, who was she kidding. It was always going to hurt.

Sometimes it still felt like the morning after for her, the moment where she woke up just hoping for one goddamn split second that it had all been a bad dream just to be hit with the realisation like a speeding train. Sometimes, it felt like that feeling never ever really left but it had been years since that day. Years.

Literally.

8 years 11 months and 27 days to be specific.

In that time, Natasha Romanov had lived all over the world and hadn't settled in one place for more than a few years because it wasn't safe that was even if she settled for more than a few months. Healthy? No. But it was the best way to stay alive and it was the best way to stay a ghost. Don't be anywhere anyone can track for too long. Don't stop looking over your shoulder, she knew that better than most. She'd spent years trying to stay under the radar so she knew how to do it.

She'd made sure not even the people that cared for her could track her unless she'd wanted them to. She'd let Logan do it more than she probably should have over the past few years simply because he was worried and she knew he was. He cared about her and he was probably the closest thing she had to an actual family member. He'd known her when she was little more than a foolish little kid, someone that was brainwashed and blinded to the world and he'd begged her to let him save her.

She'd saved him though. She'd let him go, she couldn't go with him but she'd made sure he survived and that had been Natasha's first act of rebellion: She saved Logan's life.

Or spared it, she wasn't even sure there was a distinction anymore. Clint too had been left little breadcrumbs to follow when she knew he was going crazy wondering if she was safe or not but everyone else had been kept at bay because she just didn't want to go back to what she'd left behind, not yet. She wasn't ready and she wasn't sure she'd ever _be _ready, but life had a funny way of working out.

The last 13 months had been spent in Ireland of all places. She happened to be quite fond of the scenery. The quietness of small towns drove her insane and bigger cities were a risk. People thought it was easier to disappear in a big city but they were idiots; bigger cities meant more CCTV. It meant that you were on camera more times than you were off it so she had opted for smaller places that had enough residents so not everyone knew everyone but were small enough to mean that there wasn't a real reason to have a camera on every goddamn street corner.

It worked. She'd left Clint information in a dead drop, he was the only one bar James that knew Natasha's drops. She'd used them for as long as she could remember, secret little places that she'd hide away important things and pass along things that she couldn't do in person and it had proven to be a rather useful system. She didn't keep a cellphone for more than 2 days, she didn't keep a computer at all and pretty much everything she did was paid in cash.

No paper trail. Spycraft 101: Don't give them anything to tie back to you. Cash was harder to trace.

Clint and Logan helped with it. She had a few accounts under aliases that they'd been able to access on her behalf and she was appreciative of that. She was glad that not everyone knew every alias she'd used over her 80+ years of life. It had been... Had it really been that long? Years sometimes passed by so fast.

The last almost nine of them had.

A sigh broke Natasha's lips, she'd become restless _months _after the baby had been born, literally months. She was not good at being out of commission so Logan - thankfully - would help her out. He'd stop by and babysit for her so that she could work just to give herself something to do. There were so few people that she'd trust with her child but she'd trusted Logan with her life since that night and she knew that he could've killed her.

She could've killed him too. They were both aware of just what the other one was and she didn't mind in the slightest; they both had darkness inside of them that few understood but they understood one another and that was enough, and by proxy it meant that she got to spend time with Laura, running missions with someone was helpful. Aliases, covers... Nat was smart. She knew how to change her appearance and where to reach out for supplies that couldn't be traced back to her.

Everything was in cash. She'd only done it to keep some sense of normality in her life. It was the closest thing that she got to having one after. If she didn't work, they all knew that she'd end up going insane. Natasha was _never _going to be a civilian no matter what and telling herself otherwise had been stupid, foolish and almost caused more damage to her than she wanted to admit. She needed to be herself, she needed to do something to keep herself busy.

Did she love being a mother? Of course! She hated the thought of leaving her child behind but it was for both of their sakes; they needed money to survive and have a half decent life and she needed to work in order to stay far, far away from the pit of depression that had consumed her after his death. She fought on for his sake and in his memory. He didn't get to walk away, why should she? Yes, she had a reason to stay out of that world but she kept her two lives very, very separate and she had good help doing that.

Nothing was ever, ever traceable. 

She stretched out lazily as she leaned against the doorframe of her front door, she studied the garden in front of her and she made a mental note to accept that kid down the streets offer to come and neaten it up for her as she waited for her hyperactive, intelligent and very enthusiastic 8 year old to stop messing around with their neighbors dog and actually come inside. She'd been bugging her for one of her own for quite a while now but Natasha maintained a strict No.

It wasn't that she didn't want to say Yes but traveling with pets was harder. Too much paperwork.

Her hair shone red in the sun though it was a subtle tone, nothing like the fire of her mothers but there was definitely something in there whereas her eyes? Purely his. Blue and clear like crystal, she had his smile too and his mischievous sense of humor. It was hard for her most days but it was also a comfort, a part of the man she loved lives on every damn day in the eyes and heart of a bright eyed girl who loved her father.

Natasha had made sure she knew him, she told her stories. Stories of how he tried, of how he fought to do the right thing, of how he saved her mother and he made her realise that loving someone was okay. She made sure she knew that he was brave and he was kind and he was strong and he would've loved her more than anything else in this world. She'd given her a picture and told her that no matter what, her daddy loves her. He might not be there but he'd love her more than the world itself.

Living with the pain of what had happened to James and then having his child had been why she was so thankful to have Logan around when he was.

It was painful, it was more painful than she could even begin to explain and it hurt her in ways that she couldn't begin to put into words but she was glad that she had that reprieve when the pain got too much and she could just blow off some steam and find a way to let that pain out in a way that wasn't going to eat away at her inside. It was good, it was good that her baby had someone else in her life that she could love and have there for her.

Doing it almost all alone was hard but doing it without even a tiny bit of help felt like it would've been impossible.

The next thing she felt was a pair of arms throw themselves around her waist hard enough to throw her off balance and a set of bright blue eyes turned up toward her mothers face and Natasha let out a small chuckle.

"You're walking the dog before dinner again, aren't you?" She wasn't even sure why she asked.

The little girl grinned and nodded her head, Natasha rolled her eyes. That she was damn sure she got from Clint because whenever he'd come visit he spent hours playing with the damn thing, he'd stopped by three times since they lived here passing it off as him just passing through but she knew better. Natasha loved dogs, she really did but she didn't exactly go out of her way to pet one like those two did. It was sweet really. She was glad that her child was normal in ways that she never ever was.

"Fine, but I want you back by six and take Jake with you. You know I hate you being out alone." Jake was the neighbors son. 

Natasha wasn't about to trust a 9 year old boy with her child but she'd learned that having someone else around often deterred any stupid people from trying anything or in some cases left a witness in case they still felt brave enough.

They were in the same class at school and they'd been friends since they'd first moved here, kids made friends so easily. She didn't like it at first, it made her anxious and she kept her guard up even now but she realised quickly that expecting a child _not _to make friends and to keep herself isolated wasn't fair. Children deserved to be children, she couldn't expect her to live in a gilded cage and she never would, she had been denied childhood she wouldn't do that to her own daughter.

Having a child was still a strange thing for her.

The little girl nodded her head and slipped past her to go inside, releasing a soft sigh before she shook her head she turned around and made her way back inside closing the door behind her. She was still wondering how long it'd be safe to stay here, it was never safe for long. Nothing was ever safe for long with people like her. She needed to keep things as packed away and minimal as possible which wasn't an easy thing.

She knew that the little girl hated having to flit from place to place all the time but she could never stop worrying, move and always move just in case. Never give them a target that was easy to find. Having a child put not only that little girl in danger but herself, too. Most nights, she was pulled back to the exact place in her dreams that reminded her why it was unsafe to be a little girl out there in the world. She knew what they could do to little girls.

She knew how that world ate them up and spat out monsters with no innocence or choice of their own, just like her and just like Yelena and she'd be damned if her baby was going to go through that too but it was probably her biggest fear now especially should anyone find out that not only was her mother was the famous Black Widow but her father was The Winter Soldier. The child would undoubtedly have a target on her back bigger than the one she already bore without even knowing it. She'd protected her from all of that so far but she wondered how long that protection would be able to last.

When she hit her teenage years it'd be more difficult no doubt, teenagers were stubborn. Teenagers kicked up way more of a fuss than younger kids did. She was already stubborn about it but there was very little she could do. Her mother was the ruling party here and while she didn't like it and she got moody about it for a few days afterward she was compliant but teenagers? They tended to argue a hell of a lot more than an 8 year old did. Natasha hated uprooting her but she knew it was better than the danger.

She had plenty of enemies that'd do untold damage if they got a hold of her daughter.

True to her promise, the girl skipped back in at 6pm... Covered in mud. With a rose brow and a curious expression, Natasha studied the girl and a soft chuckle broke her lips as she shook her head. She knew all too well by now that she was far from the girly type, she loved to run and climb and throw herself down a muddy hill rather than playing with dolls which was something Natasha was thankful for; she hated the freaky things they were creepy as all hell. She'd always hated dolls.

It reminded her too much of Madame Lida. She kept far too many of them in her horrible little office, it was where the girls were sent when they needed a wardrobe for a mission. The thought had her flexing her hand but she didn't take her eyes off of the muddy girl in front of her.

"Charlie pulled us down a hill." The girl spoke innocently, offering her a mother a sweet smile.

Natasha crouched down in front of her and smiled.

"No, you pulled _Charlie _down the hill, I know you too well little one." With that, she leaned forward to place a kiss on the end of her nose.

"Go jump in the shower and I'll order us a pizza for dinner." She was planning on cooking something tonight but that sounded like a better option.

Especially with a messy child that had to shower and a whole new load of laundry she'd now have to do. Yep, parenting was hard but she wouldn't change it for the world.

Hell, this was one of the easier things about it she supposed. That sense of mischief and adventure was something she loved her child having. Natasha had that quelled and taken away from her when she wasn't much younger than her daughter was now. She wouldn't have the same thing happen to her.

If she wanted to find her own sense of freedom her mother would support that because she knew what it was to have none. 

Her daughter asked her a lot about her own childhood, she told stories. She made something - anything - up that was so far from the truth and while she hated lying, she knew that it was for the best because "_Mommy was a manipulated child assassin_" didn't make for a pretty story to tell any child. Stories were better, the made up crap that Natasha came up with was far better than the truth and she was used to having to keep her stories in line it was almost like another cover.

This was supposed to be the truest thing in her life and yet it was marred with lies just like everything else was but at least these lies were her own choice and to protect someone that didn't deserve to know just how cold and dark the world was.

Life - as dull as she found it sometimes - was quiet and uneventful for a good month until one particular day where her whole world was turned upside down. Again.

8:47am Monday December 7th:

She had the same routine now for months, she'd walk to drop her daughter off at school alternating routes and times that they'd leave and most days she'd be there to pick her up again unless she begged her to let her walk home with Jake and nothing changed. Nothing happened and there was no reason at all for any alarm but this morning, Natasha returned home to expecting to find absolutely nothing but maybe a quick message from Logan to tell her he'd be stopping by this weekend just like he always did around this time of year because he bought Christmas gifts and stayed for a week or two wherever they were living at the time just so that he could spend some time with the two of them and check to make sure that Natasha was holding up okay but pinned to her door was a manila envelope and inside, a set of pictures - clearly surveillance - of her and her daughter dating back now six months.

She spent longer than she should have checking over them, rechecking them to see if there was even a little detail that could point her toward whomever was following her.

How had she been this clumsy? How hadn't she realised someone was following her while she lived here and most importantly why hadn't they done anything about it? Nothing about any of this made a bit of sense; Natasha knew scare tactics better than most but if this was step one she wasn't going to wait around to see what the rest of the plan was. She didn't even know how long they'd known she was here.

_Shit. _Time to go. Again.

Turning the photographs over onto the back simply to check if there was anything there she could use, Natasha noted the scattered writing on the back of each picture once she got inside and placed them all out on the carpet in front of her the words in front of her screamed a threat that she'd been dreading now for years:

_You're never safe Little Spider._

It was the name James had for her back in the Red Room. It was a nickname few knew of and fewer still were brave enough to use but there were a few people who were and a few people who'd be brave enough to do this and those were the kinds of people that she'd been running from all these years but the worst part of it all was a picture that had nothing at all on it but a face she knew far too well; she stared down at a face that she hadn't seen save for whatever cover the asshole had chosen to use for almost 50 years and her eyes widened in shock.

She doubted he even knew who he was any more not that she cared. He was too twisted up.

In his hands, he held a white piece of paper with three words written on it that made her as angry as the smirk on his goddamn face:

_See you soon._

Fuck. Run.

That smug fucking bastard.

With a hammering heart, Natasha grabbed her jacket from the floor next to her as she threw herself to her feet and bolted for the door; her daughter was in danger and nothing in that moment meant more to her than getting to that damn school and finding out that she was safe. The school was under _strict _orders _NOT _to let her leave with anyone but her mother. If anyone showed up that wasn't Natasha or a prior arrangement between her, the school and Logan, the police were to be called immediately and that was the end of it.

She had no doubt that anyone from _her _world would be able to bypass local law enforcement easily but the commotion would give her time to get there herself. All she needed was a moments distraction on their behalf and she could intervene, they lived close enough for that and she'd made sure of it. She wasn't going to risk leaving her child unguarded for even a moment if she could help it but she'd put in other little failsafes too, she had a panic alarm in her bag, she had taught her basic self defense and she knew enough to be able to incapacitate a grown man.

Natasha never did want her to have even a chance nor a reason to use it though, she had taught her simply to make sure that she was safe and she'd made it into a game, a bonding activity so that the little girl never once sensed that her mother thought she might one day fall into harms way.

The young girls blue eyes fell on her mother who looked relieved as hell that she was still there and unharmed as she quite literally skidded to a hall outside of her classroom and she opened the door wordlessly and held out her hand, the look on Natasha's face told the young girl all that she needed to know and a sad expression crossed her features as she looked at the young boy that had become her best friend over the last 8 months and she mouthed a _goodbye_ before she took her mothers hand and left, blue eyes turned toward her mother as she wordlessly asked a million questions that'd probably never get answered.

When her mother decided it was time to go, it was time to go.

When you were trying to outrun a psychotic assassin that just didn't seem to want to stay dead there wasn't a whole hell of a lot of time for formalities or asking the schools permission to pull her out at all and that meant questions and questions were something that took more time than Natasha had to waste at this point. They couldn't comprehend the danger that they were facing here.

"I'm sorry baby." Natasha spoke with a gentle sigh as they arrived back home.

"Pack up only what you need, okay? Anything else can be replaced." Possessions were meaningless that was why Natasha barely had any aside from clothes.

The little girl walked toward her room and while she could hear her quietly sob, she knew too that there was nothing she could do. They couldn't stay here, it wasn't safe and the only choice they had now was to run, to run to the one place that Natasha Romanov had left behind nine years ago and hadn't even thought about going back to since.

Naturally, the spies next move was two phone calls: One to Logan to charter her a flight immediately and the other to Clint Barton. Logan had been happy to help; he had friends all around the world and a private plane was far safer for Natasha than traveling publically was but Clint? That call went something like this:

"I'm coming back to New York." Natasha sighed as she spoke, she held the phone with her ear and her shoulder.

She leafed through her clothing and tossed what she'd know she need into a travel bag.

"What? Really? Why?" He sounded utterly shocked and she expected nothing less.

"Because I wanna know why SHIELD knew my psychotic ex husband was still alive and didn't bother to tell anyone." She sounded _pissed. _

"Oh, fuck." Clearly he was starting to grasp what Natasha already knew: She was in danger and big danger at that.

Clint had been with her once when she'd faced that particular monster before. Ninjas, mountain pass... He shuddered as he held the phone and processed the situation; he was glad in that moment that she couldn't see him. That hadn't been a fun week. Turns out that the dead bastards never did seem to stay dead. Maybe someone ought to do something about that... Who did one complain to when dead psychos didn't stay dead? Humanity needed a HR department, or at least their side of it did.

Her best bet was to return to the home that she'd run the hell away from and trust the people in her life that she'd turned away from all those years before, at least once she got answers anyway and she'd decided who she could trust after that.

"This time I'm gonna make sure the bastard says dead." She sounded resolute as she spoke.

He knew she meant it, too.

"Can you get some things ready for when I get back? You still have a key to my place, right? Logan has some deliveries coming, supplies for me and the kid... We'll need someone there to--"

"Yeah no, I'm there. I got it. Come home safe, 'kay? I'll see you soon." He could tell she was stressed enough.

She was trying not to make it too obvious but as she finished speaking and a small figure appeared in the doorway to her room and held up her bag, Natasha released a sad sigh.

"We'll see you in a few hours, thanks Clint." She turned to look at the girl then.

"Looks like we're going to New York, you can go see Uncle Clint..." All she got in return though was a half-smile. 

It was a small comfort but clearly not enough and Natasha couldn't blame her daughter at all for being upset, she knew how much she'd loved living here.

"But we won't stay there either." The little girl spoke in a way that sounded utterly heartbreaking.

She knew she couldn't promise her they would, she could offer her no guarantees at all and that? That was what made days like this fucking impossible.

It was days like this she felt like a terrible mother.


	3. We're the runaways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve Rogers gets a huge shock when Natasha shows up at his office after thinking her dead for nine years, he meets a little girl that reminds him so much of his best friend... When Natasha tells him the truth, Steve knows that after all of the lies he's told her he owes it to her to do whatever he can to protect her and her precious daughter.
> 
> Natasha though? She has no idea just how much her life is about to be flipped even more upside down than it already was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to note that this is set BEFORE Brubakers Winter Soldier. Names aren't my strong suit so I got someone I know to pick from a random list of names xD If I make typos I'm sorry, dyslexia isn't fun.

Traveling with a child that had decided to be in a mood with you the whole damn trip? Not fun. Natasha had given up trying to get to her to talk after about two hours. It wasn't that she didn't _want _her to talk to her, it was more the fact that she'd realised a long time ago that she'd inherited her mothers stubbornness and she wouldn't talk until _she _wanted to.

She just settled for shaking her head and apologising before she left it at that and text Clint to meet her at the airfield.

He did as she'd requested.

He'd naturally been curious but she'd thrown him an immediate look to tell him that here - and now - was not the time to ask about it. Instead, he offered the tiny - not so tiny now, man she's grown! - girl a big smile and pulled her into his arms.

"Em! Man I missed you buttercup." Clint spoke to the young girl who - for once in hours - actually smiled.

"I missed you too Uncle Clint." She replied as she buried her head against him. He grinned at Natasha.

"And your momma too I guess." He spoke with an amused smile before he looked back down at the little girl.

"You're sad huh?" She inhaled and nodded.

"Mom made us come here. I liked where we were." Natasha looked back at the sullen girl. 

She offered her an apologetic look but the girl did little more than glare at her which wasn't more than she could expect. She had uprooted her life - again - took her away from her friends - again - made her travel to a place she didn't know - again - and the only silver lining to all of this was that she'd actually get to hang out with Clint more. Natasha ran her hand through her hair and shook her head.

Great. She'd messed up big time yet again and she was just trying to protect her daughter. Clint rubbed the top of the youngsters head as he pulled out of their hug and he crouched down as he looked at her.

"Y'know your mom loves you and she just wants you to be happy. Maybe she thought you'd be happier here with your family. Uncle Logan and I are closer now and that's cool right?" He offered her a playful smile.

She pouted, at least at first before a soft smile crossed her features and she let out a small laugh.

"Yeah, that _is _pretty cool..." She was acting somewhat pouty though just a little. Just enough to have her mother roll her eyes anyway.

"Okay, first stop SHIELD. I have a _very _interesting conversation to have with Steve Rogers. Wait, is he still in charge?" Natasha glanced at Clint then.

Clint shrugged.

"Eh, kinda. He helps Daisy and Hill mostly. It's a whole thing like, no one is _actually _in charge and no one knows where the hell Fury is but, things still run so it kinda works." he shrugged then. 

She rose a brow though. None of that made any goddamn sense to her but then it was SHIELD and leadership never was their strong point, or maintaining it wasn't anyway. Instead, Natasha shrugged her shoulders.

"Steve works." She should probably talk to him anyway.

"You wanna drop Em at my place? I'll call Katie over to babysit?" He offered, he knew how protective Natasha was. SHIELD for the kid was a huge risk.

"What's a SHIELD?" The little girl looked between the two of them.

"My old work, baby. And no, she's coming with me." She replied gritting her teeth. 

He should've guessed there was no way in hell she'd leave her kid alone in this city. Far too risky, too many people running around that could be considered dangerous but taking her there meant that other people would eventually ask questions and he wasn't sure how Natasha would answer them but that wasn't his business. She'd handle it however she saw fit and so she should, it was her daughter and her secret.

The trip over to SHIELD had Natasha undoubtedly on edge and the moment they got there, she glanced to Clint. He could see that she was nervous and he could see that she wasn't sure how this would play out, Natasha didn't have a plan. He'd tried to ask her about it on the way over but all she'd told him was that she didn't know what she was going to do or even how this would work out but she'd at least showed him the other part of her unwanted package: A SHIELD report on Alexei. None of them were sure how whomever had left her that damn envelope had gotten the info though.

That was worrying.

"Take her to the conference room? I'll be with you soon." Or so she hoped. He could do nothing but nod and comply with her wishes.

He'd much rather take her someplace that he deemed to be safer or at least more fun for her but he'd find a way to amuse her he was sure. At this point he supposed he could only be thankful that she trusted him alone with her child, she knew that there were probably few people that she'd ever trust alone with her and he was glad he was one of them but then Nat knew Clint would rather die than hurt her.

Natasha though made her way to Steve's office, she didn't bother to knock because the door was already open. She glanced at the man that she hadn't seen for nine years now and she inhaled as she studied him.

"Hello Steve." Awkward. She felt awkward.

This _was _awkward. He looked at her like he'd literally seen a ghost and a look of shock appeared on his features as he walked toward her and studied her properly. She hadn't changed at all bar the fact that her hair was longer and tied back out of her face but she looked the same as she had the last time he'd seen her but then that was to be expected, Natasha didn't age either.

"Natasha, I thought you were-- We all thought you were dead." He hated that thought, he really had. He didn't want to believe that she was dead too, not after...

Steve Rogers sighed before he glanced toward Natasha and he watched the smirk that appeared on her features. She shrugged her shoulders, she'd done a good job of disappearing for this long then.

"Good. I'd rather that than have anyone look for me." She knew that had to hurt but she didn't mean for it to.

It was the truth but still, he recoiled a little bit.

"Why? Why would you do that?" Why would she disappear? He supposed he already knew the answer to that. He knew how much Bucky's death would have hurt her.

He'd seen the pain in her eyes when the person she loved had died and how much she'd suffered as a result of that but the knowledge that he didn't even warrant a goodbye from her personally without a doubt hurt but in his own way he knew he hadn't the right to have expected that courtesy. He'd thought they were closer than that but then Steve Rogers had secrets of his own so he could hardly stand there and lecture her for keeping hers.

"Because I had to." She replied as though it were the simplest thing in the world.

"Where have you been, Natasha? I sent teams out looking for you for months but we found nothing." He didn't understand.

She hadn't expected him to understand and she certainly had never intended on showing up like this. She'd settled on the fact that she'd left and she'd left for a damn good reason. She didn't want to come back, coming back would only ever be a last resort and it had, coming back had been the only option that she'd had when she faced danger that she knew she couldn't deal with on her own.

"Everywhere. I moved around a lot, I didn't want to be tracked, Steve. I wanted to leave and stay gone because there was nothing keeping me here anymore. I know I had my team and my friends but this wasn't about anyone else. I needed to leave because leaving was the safer option for me than staying was." It had been safer for her daughter more to the point but she hoped Steve would assume she meant for her mental state.

Though it was for that too. Staying here with so many memories would be just as hard for her as facing them all over again now was. She had to deal with it though because unfortunately right now New York with everyone that she'd walked away from was the safest place in the world for her.

"I know what happened hurt you." He replied gently. 

He also knew that was an understatement. He knew what happened that night had nearly destroyed her and he couldn't imagine the pain that she must have gone through or how hard it must be to be back here now. 

She looked at him though and shook her head. No, he didn't understand. He didn't understand because his relationship with Bucky - while important and the two of them had been incredibly close - it wasn't the decades upon decades that she'd loved him even when he had no idea who she was. That wasn't the point of this conversation and it certainly wasn't the point of her being back here so she instead just turned curious eyes toward him.

"Why didn't you tell Barton that Alexei was alive?" It sounded almost like a demand.

He tilted his head to the side then and he looked troubled. How-

"How do you know about that?" The way he spoke was strange in a way that she couldn't quite pin down.

She tossed the piece of paper at his chest then. He bent down to scoop it up off of the floor.

"Because I got that pinned to my door along with a threat." She sounded angry. She sounded hurt.

She sounded _betrayed. _He couldn't blame her in the slightest.

"I never thought it'd- He had no reason to come after anyone here and we didn't know you were even alive because you'd done that good a job at disappearing, not even Clint said he knew where you were so I thought you were really gone, that maybe you'd gone after the wrong person and you hadn't come back from it. I didn't think he could hurt you anymore."

Ah. That made sense. She closed her eyes for a moment and sighed.

"That information could hurt a lot of people, Steve. That man is more dangerous than you understand even if I wasn't- Even if I'd died? He'd come after Clint and Bobbi just because he could. They fought him the same as I did that day and I know him well enough to know he never lets go of a grudge." Anyone that bested him had to pay.

All four of them had bested him. Her, James, Clint and Bobbi. That information was valuable and lifesaving in a way that she now saw Steve Rogers couldn't possibly comprehend, even after all these years he still didn't understand people from the world that her and James had escaped from. Even after all these years so few people here understood just how dangerous shadows and ghosts could be.

"I didn't know." He'd had no idea because their off book missions were never asked about.

"That world will never _stop _being dangerous to us. To me, to them not after they worked with me or got into it themselves." She sighed. She'd never meant to drag them into that world.

She'd never meant to drag them into that world but they made enemies that intertwined with it throughout even their individual missions so there really was no way she could avoid it or protect them from it forever though she might have wanted to.

"I need you to come with me, I have something you need to see and maybe then you'll understand." And she turned to walk out giving Steve no option but to follow her.

She didn't say anything, not a word even as he asked her where she was taking him, her mind was racing and she was absolutely _terrified _of everything that was about to transpire and how he'd become aware of her biggest secret. She truly wanted to keep her daughter away from all of the danger that this world and SHIELD and everything that she'd tried to escape from but as it turned out not even an overprotective mother could keep her safe forever.

Steve Rogers asked her about everything possible until they reached their destination and she opened the door to the conference room and two sets of eyes moved to her; Clint had the young girl trying to hit a spot on the wall with paper balls. Natasha offered the two of them a gentle smile, she glanced sideways at Steve who had a look of utter confusion on his features. He looked over at Natasha and opened his mouth like he wanted to say something but nothing came out.

"She's why I left, Steve." She watched him figure it all out in his head as he studied the child before him.

Penny drop. Steve Rogers looked shocked.

"Is she-" Is she Bucky's? He couldn't bring himself to say it.

"Yeah." Natasha released a sigh as she spoke.

"Now do you understand the danger I'm in? The danger _she's _in?" She emphasised that last part, she could handle herself.

She'd learned quite a while ago that Alexei would rather toy with her and torment her than actually kill her, he'd had more than enough chances and he'd blown every damn one of them. Her child was just that though: A child. A child that he could use, a child that was different and special.

Steve though was still trying to process the fact that his best friend had a daughter and that Natasha had left to protect that life rather than telling him and letting him help her. It was obvious that Barton already knew about it, she trusted him alone with the girl which meant that he had indeed known where she was all along despite his claiming otherwise. This situation - unbeknownst to Natasha - was far more complicated than she could possibly comprehend even with her psychotic ex husband being a factor in all of this.

Bucky Barnes wasn't dead.

Bucky Barnes wasn't dead and he had a daughter he knew nothing about and Steve had helped him fake his death and he knew that when she found out, she'd never forgive him or trust him again for what he'd done and how badly he'd lied to her but he never ever saw something like this coming. Bucky had to do what he did because there were certain monsters that he didn't want Natasha having to face with him.

He'd sworn it was better for her to think he was gone. Steve had argued otherwise but he'd conceded when Bucky had explained that he didn't want her past tormenting her more than it already had. He wanted her to _heal _from it. He wanted her to get better and to be able to move past it and if she kept being dragged back into it she never would. He wanted to stop it, he wanted to fight to stop it and he wanted to protect her from that. She didn't know then that she'd been in danger but Bucky had.

He didn't suppose Bucky saw any of this coming years later. He must have thought that he'd protected her way back then but he'd failed. He'd obviously failed.

"What's her name?" That small question was about all he could manage.

"Emiliya. We mostly call her Em or Liya. Emiliya Rebecca Barnes, at least technically. She mostly goes by whatever cover name we use when we're moving around but that's her real name." She watched the way he frowned as she spoke.

He looked quizzical.

"That's a beautiful name." One that he knew her father would have loved.

"Wait, We?" Ah, had she moved on and gotten herself a new love? Did this little girl believe someone else was her father?

"Logan, Clint and I. We're the only ones that know about her." No, no she hadn't moved on.

"She knows about him, I've told her about him since she was little." She beckoned the girl over then.

"Em, this is Steve Rogers. He was friends with your dad."

Looking into her blue eyes - the same eyes her father had - Steve Rogers felt worse for his lies than he'd ever thought possible. Not only had he lied to Natasha but by extension he'd lied to this poor girl and because of his lies, she hadn't had the chance to have her father there for her. He needed to reach out to Bucky. He knew he was in town if he could just... He sighed. Steve still offered her a bright smile and held out his hand though. He wasn't quite as proficient a liar as Natasha or Bucky or even Clint or Bobbi but still... 

"Hi. It's nice to meet you." The little girl spoke sweetly as she took his hand and shook it. Her eyes didn't leave his the whole time.

"Uncle Logan says if someone wants you to shake their hand you should look them in the eyes. He said it's respect." She nodded her head matter-of-factly.

"Yeah? Well Uncle Logan is right." he chuckled softly. The straight up way she said things reminded him of Bucky.

She reminded him of Natasha. She was just as strong willed as both of her parents, he could tell that already.

She was so much like both of them, the red in her hair, the blue of her eyes... That was her parents. That was the features she'd inherited from those that created that tiny, beautiful life that had grown into a smart young girl. She was a credit to Natasha's ability as a mother. She'd done such a good job raising this girl and she'd had to raise this girl alone because Steve had lied. The crushing guilt he felt right now was almost more than he could stand but he had to hold strong.

He had to hold strong and he _had _to talk to Bucky.

He had to try to fix this somehow if only he could-- He couldn't stand the guilt. This was harder than he thought it would be, he had no logical reason to believe Nat was dead, he knew her well enough to know that she was strong and that she was someone that would always fight no matter how hard things got for her. Natasha Romanov wasn't someone to give up. She wasn't going to out there and lay down and die.

How could he have been so stupid? How could he have believed that would have ever have been the right thing to do? How could he have honestly believed that Natasha was dead? Bucky didn't seem to believe it but he'd never actually looked for her as far as Steve was aware because if he did, he was pretty sure that he'd have told him he had a daughter and he was pretty sure that he'd have stayed with them. He knew how much Bucky loved Natasha. He knew there was no way in hell that he could have stayed away. He wouldn't do that.

Bucky would never have turned his back on his child if he knew he had one and he had to. This had to be made right. He had to do all he could to fix this, he owed it to Natasha and now he owed it to this poor little girl to bring her father back into her life. He could do that much for her.

"It's really nice to meet you, Em." Steve turned to look at her mother then. 

"Would you mind if I talked to your mommy alone?" 

"Nope. Uncle Clint is teaching me how to hit a target anyway." She grinned then, amused blue eyes turned to her mother who shot Clint a glare over her shoulder.

She made her way out of the room and looked at Steve when they reached his office. She leaned against the table as she looked at him and studied him. She could see he had a million questions and she couldn't blame him but she had more than a few questions herself. None of them seemed to be at the forefront of her mind right now though.

"She seems like a really great kid." Steve commented softly.

Natasha nodded her head despite the sad smile on her features, she doubted she needed to tell Steve that every time she looked at the little girl she saw her father just like she doubted she needed to tell him that she still missed him every damn day. She doubted she needed to tell him that not once in all that time had she stopped loving him and that she never would. She could read it in his eyes, he knew that already.

"She reminds me of him sometimes. She's just as witty and kind as he was, kinda sarcastic too. She's just as mischievous and smart. I wish he'd have known her." That last part was hard to say and he knew it.

She could read that in his eyes too.

"We never talked about being parents because neither of us thought we ever would be. I don't know what miracle made it happen when it did but her? She's here. She's here as impossible as that should've been. She's here. She's him and she's me and I love her more than anything in this universe." So few people saw the most human parts of Natasha but he did, he saw that now more than he ever had before besides the night that Bucky had-

Besides the night that they'd faked Bucky Barnes's death. He couldn't feel any worse if he tried. 

"Nat I- I'm sorry you had to do this all alone."

"I wasn't alone Steve. I had Logan and Clint." At least during the times they visited, the rest of it she was indeed alone but she didn't mind.

"I moved her around a lot to try to keep her safe. I didn't know what the hell else to do. I didn't know how else to protect her, all I've ever known is to run when I feel like I'm in danger and I needed to do that for her." She had no choice, absolutely none and she knew it. Staying here would've been a risk and watching Steve now, she knew he figured that out too.

"I wish you'd-" What right did he have to tell her he wished she'd have let him help her?

He sighed.

"What can we do help _now? _What can I do to help keep you both safe?"

"I need all the info you have. I need to know that I have backup if I need it and resources. I can't go after him if I have no assurances I'm coming back. I have to come back, I'm all she has." This was probably the second time since he'd known her that she'd asked for help.

"Whatever you need." He nodded his head then. It really was the least he could do after all that he'd done to her already even if she wasn't aware of how he'd lied to her yet or all of the secrets that he'd kept from her just yet.

Steve Rogers had already caused an untold amount of damage to Natasha and to a poor, innocent child that didn't deserve any of it. This girl needed her father back, Natasha needed to know the truth and she needed to know that none of this had been intended to hurt her but he knew her well enough to know that she was going to be angry, she was going to be angry and both he and Bucky were going to be at the top of Natasha Romanov's shit list. (Not that Steve Rogers cursed at all)

He had no idea how she was going to react but he'd rather she be angry than spend the rest of her life thinking that the father of her child really was gone. Bucky was in for a world of hurt but he knew Natasha well enough to know that ultimately, she'd be glad that he was there and she'd ultimately forgive him. Love worked in strange ways. That and the two of them were no stranger to stories that had to be told to keep the other safe, it wasn't the first time but Steve hoped it'd be the last.

"Thank you, Steve. You _can't _put anything on any official file about her, please. Promise me." There was a desperation in her eyes he'd never seen before.

Steve offered her a gentle look.

"I'd never do that." Never, not ever would he put that poor, innocent girl in danger.

This whole situation was a mess, such a mess.

"I need to get back to her and get her home." At least this time - Steve knew - it wasn't a permanent goodbye.

"Of course. I'll come by and see you tomorrow and drop off whatever information I can dig up." Steve promised.

"I'm really glad you're back, Natasha."

It remained to be seen though whether or not she was.

Back into the fire, then.


	4. How'd it come to this?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve talks to Bucky and tells him he Natasha is back in town and that there's something he needs to see but he has to do it for himself and what he sees destroys him in a way that he had never thought possible.
> 
> For the first time in his life, Bucky Barnes learns what true heartbreak is.

Reaching Bucky wasn't the hard part, getting him to sit down and find a way to tell him about everything however was; Steve Rogers lived in a world of lies and covers and necessities when it came to those things but that didn't mean that he liked them or that he was good at it himself. He was America's hero. He preferred to be as honest and as good as he could. He was supposed to be the beacon of Hope and all that stuff.

He tried to be an honest man, he really did.

Looking at Natasha this afternoon had reminded him just how much honest men could fall into holes when they thought that they were doing the right thing, there was a fine line between protecting someone and deceiving them. Steve had somehow managed to do both of them without even realising it. He knew someday that he'd have to face the consequences for the choices that he'd made that day and so would Bucky but this was beyond anything they had been able to imagine.

Either one of them.

He knew that there was no way in hell Bucky would've ever seen anything like this coming either. So few people had open access to Steve Rogers apartment so when the door opened, Steve didn't turn. Instead, he poured himself a drink and he sat down before he slid another across the coffee table obviously signalling he wanted his friend to join him, as Bucky walked over - looking altogether worse for the wear at that - Steve studied him and he released a deep sigh.

"We need to talk." No one on the planet liked those words.

No one.

He watched the way that Bucky frowned quizzically at him. He watched the way that the battered soldier studied his best friend for any inkling of what it was he needed to say but Steve's face remained one that showed simply sadness which made Bucky all the more curious. 

"Steve, what's going on?" He was worried, undoubtedly and undeniably so.

Steve Rogers had already resolutely decided he was _not _going to tell Bucky about his daughter outright, he was going to tell him instead in another more subtle way.

"Natasha is back." Steve's eyes met Bucky's as he spoke.

He watched the way that his best friends face distorted into something resembling agony and Bucky finally sat down; he gripped the arm of the chair so hard that it protested beneath his grip and in that moment it was clear to see that those three words had thrown him off balance in a very deeply profound way; it had been nine years since any of them had seen Natasha Romanov.

"I tried to find her." Bucky spoke gently as he looked at Steve.

He could feel the pain in his chest, he'd looked and looked and looked just to know that she was safe but he'd found nothing, a part of him had started to believe that maybe Steve had been right and that she'd died out there somewhere and he'd never know what happened to her. Maybe though it was just that he hadn't known her as well as he thought he did. Maybe it was because she knew how to disappear just as well as he did and she knew how to cover her tracks better than almost anyone else.

She really, truly hadn't wanted to be found and he couldn't have expected anything else. He could tell though that Steve hadn't known that, he hadn't known that he'd looked for her and he couldn't possibly comprehend the pain that came with finding no trace of her. He just wanted to know that she was okay. He just wanted to know that she was _alive. _He just wanted to know that she was out there somewhere even if he couldn't be a part of her world.

He'd have gone back to her years ago if he'd been able to find her, the only reason that he'd kept running and he'd kept up the pretense of his death was because there was no longer any reason for Bucky Barnes to be legally or knowingly alive. No one knew he was except for Steve. No one had even suspected anything which was probably good, none of them needed people asking questions.

"I looked for a few years, I couldn't find anything. I thought had once or twice but she knows how to disappear better than anyone I've ever met. She was trained to be a ghost and I guess that's what she went back to." He just hoped that she hadn't gone back to the darker sides of things too.

Undoubtedly though he was curious as to why she was back now. Why after all these years had she returned to New York? What had brought her home again? Maybe she was just tired of running, maybe she just missed her family, maybe she just missed her friends.

Maybe... All he could say was maybe. It hit him in that moment that he didn't know her anymore.

"How is she?" He let out a small laugh as he spoke the words, did he even have the right to ask?

"Buck, she's- I mean she's good, don't get me wrong. She looks good. She's had a rough time lately but she's good. Happy for the most part." But running again. Steve couldn't bring himself to say it.

Natasha was running again. Natasha was running again not only to protect herself but a little girl, too.

"Yeah?" Bucky questioned, he felt something twist inside of him and it made him feel sick.

Happy. Did that mean happy with someone?

"Yeah that's good, she deserves to be happy." His jaw flexed as he spoke. 

Steve could read his best friend like a book in that moment and he shook his head.

"No, it's not like that. You need to go see her. Just- Even if you don't let her know you're there just go. Just go and see for yourself." He implored.

He wouldn't tell him. He couldn't.

How could he even begin to explain that he had a daughter? How could he tell Bucky Barnes that he had a child that he didn't know about and that his faked death had meant that he wasn't there to raise her or even know about her existence? It seemed so cruel, too cruel for the words to pass his lips. He couldn't stand to break his best friends heart when he already knew that he had to break Natasha's. Doing it once would be bad enough but twice? Twice was just too much.

They lived in a world of darkness and secrets but Steve Rogers was not cold. He wouldn't hurt his friends willingly, not ever. He wasn't a monster, a man that sometimes crossed a line trying to do the right thing but he wasn't cold and he was no monster. He'd never hurt the people he loved willingly.

Bucky though? Bucky could tell that Steve was hiding something, he knew him well enough to know when he was lying and right now he knew that he was lying. Whatever it was that Steve couldn't say was either so bad that Bucky Barnes would only believe it if he saw it himself or something so heartbreaking that he couldn't bring himself to say it.

He hated the idea of going to see her without being able to hold her and being unable to apologise but whatever it was Steve wanted him to see was obviously important and so, the soldier released a sigh but nodded his head anyway.

"Okay. I'll go see her, I can't let her know Steve. I can't have her hate me just yet." Just seeing her tonight would be enough because it had to be enough.

He'd missed her so badly that every day he spent not knowing if she was safe was torture for him and thinking she was dead had made the world around him mean nothing but he fought on because he had no other choice. Fighting was all that he'd ever known. Fighting was all that he could do when he thought he lost the woman he loved and that he'd hurt her so badly before. The thought of Natasha dying with a broken heart was the worst kind of hell and one that he undoubtedly believed he deserved.

"Buck? You need to handle this carefully." That was all Steve would say, he ran his hand down his face before he downed his drink. 

"You should go." It wasn't that he was kicking his best friend out, it was that he wasn't sure how much longer he could keep up this pretense.

Bucky rose to his feet, placing a hand on Steve's shoulder and nodded his head. He could see that Steve wanted to say something else but he remained silent. His mind was spinning though, what could he have wanted him to see so badly that the very thing he'd emphasise he needed to do was go and see the woman he loved, the woman that thought that he was dead and that had thought she'd buried him all those years ago?

What could be so desperate that that was the only solution? He supposed he'd find out soon enough.

* * *

The balcony outside of Natasha's apartment ran along three windows, her living room, the room she used as a makeshift gym and the spare bedroom that she'd never used but Clint or others had crashed in a time or two when they'd showed up either completely wasted or hurt. The fire escape on the other side led to the window to the hallway, he could climb in without setting off any alarms, she rarely set the alarm if she was home anyway and so, that was his plan of action. 

Just as he'd thought, he got inside without incident and the soft tones of her voice immediately drew his attention. Spare bedroom, that was unusual. Natasha never spent any time at all in there, she'd never had a reason to beyond cleaning. She was kind of OCD that way. 

He walked quietly to the door and his blue eyes took in the sight before him, she sat on the edge of a bed and in her hands was a book that she was reading to a child that was falling asleep before her eyes. He felt as though someone had knocked him clean on his ass and knocked the air out of his lungs as he watched the scene unfold. This was what Steve had wanted him to see, Natasha had a child. 

Natasha, his precious Natasha who had always believed herself incapable of having children had a child of her own; he found himself wondering if somewhere along the lines she'd adopted a child but he could see the girls face in the moonlight and he knew that was impossible, she looked too much like Natasha for her to be anything but biological. Her hair was too dark for her to be another Red Room clone.

Natasha had a child.

He backed up until his back hit the wall behind him and he felt things start spinning around him. This was always supposed to be impossible, they'd both known that. They'd both agreed that it was fine that it was impossible but it didn't seem as though their assumption had been at all correct. It wasn't impossible because the little girl laid almost asleep looked too much like Natasha for her to be anything but a biological child.

No.

How.

Who...

"Momma?" The little girl spoke softly.

"Yeah?" Natasha replied with a gentle fondness in her voice.

"Can I see that man again? The one that was best friends with daddy?" The question was spoken carefully by a sleepy child.

He couldn't see the sad smile on Natasha's features.

"I'm sure Steve would like that. He can tell you some stories about daddy when he was younger." She knew how curious the little girl had always been about her father.

Natasha had made sure that in some manner or another he was present in her life because she couldn't stand the thought of him never being a part of this in some way even if it still tore her apart. It almost felt like he was here with her sometimes because she kept him alive in stories that she told her daughter. Their daughter.

"But you need to sleep now, okay? Uncle Clint and Uncle Logan are taking you to the zoo tomorrow." She'd asked them to do it so that she had the day to shop for clothes and other necessities that they'd left behind when they'd left.

"Okay momma. I love you." The small girl yawned as she spoke, she was fighting to keep her eyes open.

"I love you too, Em. Sleep. I'll be right down the hall." Naturally Natasha would reassure the girl.

Bucky listened to the exchange silently and it became harder and harder to breathe. That little girl was not only her daughter but if what he'd heard was right she was his too. That had been what Steve was telling him he needed to see. That was what Steve had been avoiding telling him. He was a father and he had left his daughter to believe her father was dead by lying to her mother all those years ago. He hadn't been around to raise his child because he'd lied.

He'd lied. He'd thrown everything away with a stupid lie.

No. This hurt more than anything else ever had. He felt a crushing sense of sadness that felt like it was going to consume him. What had he done? That precious, beautiful girl believed her father was dead and he'd left her mother to raise her all alone thinking that he was gone. He was a monster. He'd never stopped being a goddamn monster because only a monster could be so cruel. He hadn't known then what he was giving up. Why hadn't anyone known about this?

Right, because it was Natasha and she'd have gone out of her way to protect the most important thing in her life and he had no doubt that was their child. He had no doubt that their child was the most important part of her life. What had he done? How could he have been so stupid?

He'd given up the most important thing in the world: He'd given up the chance to be a father to that little girl and he had no idea if her mother would ever forgive him enough to let him be in her life. What was he supposed to do now? How could he stand here and apologise like that'd fix anything? He turned around again and exited her apartment the same way he had entered as she exited the room. He leaned against the wall outside and he tried his damn best to stop himself from screaming so goddamn loud. He hated himself. He hated himself more than he ever thought possible.

What had he done?

He vaulted off of the side of the fire escape, he didn't even bother to walk down he knew already that he'd be just fine it took a lot more than that to hurt him. He made his way back to Steve's apartment and again, he didn't knock. Steve's eyes turned to him as he walked inside.

He stood quietly for a moment as he tried desperately to fight for composure. This was worse than what he'd imagined it would be, this hurt more than anything he'd been able to imagine when Steve told him there was something he'd needed to see for himself and Steve Rogers could see that, his expression softened. Bucky Barnes had just had his heart broken.

"I have a kid." Even the words broke him more.

"Yeah. I didn't wanna tell you, you needed to see for yourself." Steve Rogers couldn't even begin to find the words for that.

"I get it..." He really did, he really understood why he couldn't tell him.

It was so painful though.

"Do you know her name? Anything about her? I heard her tell Natasha she wanted to come see you again." How terrible a feeling it was to have to ask Steve what his own daughters name was.

"Emiliya. Her name is Emiliya. Emiliya Rebecca Barnes." She had her fathers name.

She was named for her aunt. Natasha had met Rebecca, it was only because of Natasha's support that he'd felt brave enough to do it. He smiled at that, it was a beautiful tribute to the last family that Bucky had before she'd passed away, or the last of his direct biological family anyway.

"She gave her a beautiful name." He honestly didn't think this whole situation could hurt any more.

"How am I gonna fix this? How can I- What if she never forgives me Steve? What if she never lets me be a part of her life?" The words felt like they choked him.

He was unsteady on his feet. He reached out to grip the doorframe to steady himself. Steve knew that it was a legitimate question and one that he'd asked himself, one that he'd mulled over because he had no idea how Natasha was going to react once she found out. She'd be angry, she'd be angry and hurt and she'd feel betrayed and he couldn't blame her at all. They'd done the worst thing imaginable to her and because of that, she'd had to raise her child alone.

"We should've made a better choice, Buck. We should've told her, letting her think you were dead wasn't the right way to go and we both knew that then. I don't know how she's gonna be when she finds out the truth but we both know she has to. We both know it's time we stopped lying or you'll never know your daughter and I know you don't want that. You need to face whatever anger she has toward you and you need to let her work through that in her own way."

Pushing Natasha never worked out for anyone.

"She'll hate me, Steve. It's not like any other time, we've both done things like that before but this isn't like any other time. We've faked deaths, lied to each other and everyone else to get a job done but it's never been anything like this. I should've looked harder. I should've known _something _was wrong when you told me she'd left." Natasha was never one to run.

She'd never been one to run before. He should have known something made her run that wasn't like anything before.

He'd really screwed up badly this time.


	5. Lost in that last goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The problem with trading blows is no one ever keeps an eye on the time....
> 
> {If there are typos let me know! I'm sick and trying lmao!}

He didn't sleep, not a bit. He couldn't stop the screaming in his head for long enough to sleep and he couldn't count the amount of times he'd thought about going back just to try to find a way to say something to her but nothing inside of him made any sense; he'd thought he'd known what it was like to hate himself before but that was nothing compared to this. He was no stranger to the fact that he'd done terrible, unforgivable things but this? This was a whole new low. She was going to hate him, of course she was going to hate him.

Natasha was very good at being angry but it made it worse to know that they'd probably _both _hate him for what he'd done.

The situation should have been impossible. They'd both always known that, this situation had supposed to have never even been a factor because it was never supposed to be possible but he should've known better, nothing in this world was impossible. She was there, his impossible girl just as beautiful as her mother and just as convinced of his death as her mother was too. 

Years and years of perfected self loathing had nothing on what he felt now. 

A part of him wanted to go see Clint Barton and demand to know why the hell he hadn't said anything to anyone about this but he knew that it'd have done no good. He was supposed to be dead, he wasn't supposed to show up at her best friends door demanding answers he had no right knowing. Logan had done the one thing he'd always sworn he'd do: Protect Natasha, he knew that if she'd forbade him from saying a word about it he'd have kept her secrets because she was important to him and he was thankful for that, he knew how much Logan cared for her, they were like family.

The closest thing that Natasha had to one these days anyway aside from the team she'd worked with over the years but even them she'd kept at arms length and this had proved that better than anything else, Natasha protected herself well even when she knew people cared about her...

Well, had would be more accurate now wouldn't it? Logan had been the closest thing she'd had to a family aside from Clint who seemed to be the only other person on the planet Natasha genuinely trusted until she'd had their daughter and now she had a family all of her own.

A family that he should've been a part of had he not been so stupid and so intent on facing the demons that lived in the dark on his own.

Come morning, he was faced with a few choices: Go back to see Steve to see if he could come up with a rational, easy way to broach this whole mess and fix it (He knew there wasn't one so it was pointless going to see Steve and spending all day debating over something that wasn't going to help even a little bit while Steve went over and over possibilities that he already knew weren't going to make even the slightest bit of difference to try to ease both of their consciences, there was no easy to way to fix any of this and Bucky already knew that), sneakily tail Clint Barton and Logan to the zoo just so that he could find out who his daughter was or go and see her mother. 

Both of the latter options was painful, each in its own way a heartbreaking possibility and both of them were potentially hazardous, there were few people that Bucky Barnes hated direct conflict with but Logan was one of them and Logan would be smart enough to know when he was being tailed even if he was distracted by a child, he knew that he could try to do it the easy way and just stay out of the way but the only way _anything _would even begin to get fixed was if he went to see Natasha.

That option was likely to end in him getting either shot at or beat the hell out of, both of which he knew he deserved.

Still, no sane person on the planet would opt for any of those things regardless of how much they may or may not deserve them and Bucky Barnes did indeed deserve whatever punishment Natasha would decide to dole out to him but that didn't mean that he was in any way enthused about facing said punishment. It was going to be painful.

Natasha wasn't exactly the kind of person that laid down and let someone do what he'd done to her and do nothing about it, either way this was going to hurt in some manner or another and a whole hell of a lot at that.

It was about mid afternoon before he'd worked up the nerve to go see her, it wasn't that he was being at all cowardly but it seemed entirely rational to be at least a little bit wary of a Russian assassin when you were about to go and tell her that you'd spent nine years lying to her leaving her to raise a child alone in the process when you faked your death, she was bound to be angry about that and so caution was probably about the only rational part of his non-plan.

He didn't climb in through the window this time but he didn't knock either. He probably should have. The moment that she heard the door open she wheeled around and held a gun pointed directly at his chest, the stuffed animal she'd been holding fell to the floor.

He glanced at the stuffed animal instead, there was no use paying attention to the gun.

His blue eyes moved to her though when he heard her take a step back and the gun click as she turned off the safety. He watched the way that she studied him, the pain in her eyes and the way that she held to the cold metal in her hands like a life preserver in a raging ocean. It wouldn't help in the long run but it was all she had in that moment. 

She could feel it all over again, that fresh wave of pain that washed over her and sucked all of the oxygen out of the room and she held to the gun in her hand because she didn't know what the hell else to do. She didn't know how any of this was possible, standing here face to face with a dead man even in their insane world seemed like the worst sense of madness that she could imagine, her mind was playing the worst kind of trick on her and she couldn't let herself get lost in the grief.

She couldn't bring herself to fall to it, not here and not now. Natasha's legs were weak not that you'd see it if you looked at her; she masked her pain with a fierce look of adamant refusal and she took the safety off, fully prepared to shoot who - or what - ever this was. A Doombot? No, no that one was stupid but desperation didn't make a person think rationally... Some kind of Shape Shifting... No, that didn't work either. She had no one that hated her enough to want to hurt her like this that could do anything close to that kind of thing that she knew about.

Had she fallen and hit her head? No. That hadn't happened either, at least not that she could recall. Maybe she had, maybe she had and she was laid unconscious on the floor and she was trapped inside of some kind of twisted dream now. Nothing, nothing made an ounce of sense to her. Her grip remained so tight that her knuckles were as white as the wall she stood beside.

She felt like she couldn't breathe but she wouldn't let it show.

"Who the hell are you?" Her voice was strangely measured considering what she was going through.

The fact that she was asking questions meant that she was more curious about getting answers than she was about ending whatever threat this may or may not be to her, she wouldn't have even given whomever that chance once.

Now she was though, now she wanted to know who wanted to hurt her so badly that they'd resort to being as cold as this. She wanted to know who'd stoop as low as this in order to get her off balance and if playing into whatever little trick they were trying to set up was the only way to do it then fine, she'd make them think they were winning.

Natasha Romanov played people better than almost anyone else. 

"Nat, it's me." He wanted her to believe him but he knew better. It looked like him. It sounded like him.

She wouldn't take anything he said as it was, he knew that something had brought her back here but Steve hadn't told him what that was, he'd told him it was too much and too cruel to drop him into that hell on top of everything else he'd learned last night and that was why he was supposed to go back today but all he'd been able to think about was seeing her and fixing this. All he'd been able to do was want more than anything else in the world to tell her he was sorry and that he loved her so damn much.

She shook her head, the fire in her eyes matched the fire of her hair and in that moment he couldn't help but smile; he'd always loved how beautiful she looked even when she knew she was the most deadly creature in the room. He knew her well enough to know that she was working off of her own plan here and that he'd have to wait for her to work through whatever the hell it was that was scaring her first.

Fine. He had time. Her though? She didn't.

She walked over and studied him, her pain growing worse by the second as she noted every scar that she knew all too well, every freckle, every line on his features that she'd spent hours and hours memorizing over the years and she placed her gun to his temple. It wasn't the first time that something like this had happened to him, hell it wasn't even the first time it was her doing it but it was the first time that she'd done it where she was her. She wasn't emptied out, she wasn't someone else, she wasn't under any pretenses she was just broken hearted and he couldn't blame her at all for that.

This was her, one hundred percent her pointing a gun at him this time around and doing it of her own volition.

He didn't know that she was fighting so hard not to reach out and allow herself to believe for just a second that this was real and that he was here and that she wasn't going to have to face any of this alone any more. He had no idea how much she wished inside that it really was him so that she could just stop running and fighting and struggling through each day all on her own and have the one person she'd wanted by her side all this time really, actually there with her.

She wanted too badly to believe it and that was exactly why she refused to allow herself to do so.

"Natalia, it's me, it's James." He could see that she knew that, a part of her did anyway.

She was fucking terrified of it though. She held the gun to his head, she wanted more than anything else in the world to believe that he was stood before her simply to end the crushing sense of loss that had never got even a second abated for all these years but it wasn't possible. Her eyes glistened, tears dusting her eyelashes that she refused to allow to fall. Natasha didn't cry if she could help it, she'd been trained to use even that kind of emotion to root out a weakness in someone else but never show it in herself.

Never willingly anyway. She had a plan and yet it was slipping. She was struggling to just breathe but she would _not _let that show, how could she? All it took was one moment of exposed weakness and she could be dead.

He kept his eyes on hers though, he could see the pain there and it killed him to see that she was hurting so much knowing that he was the cause of it. He wished that she'd do something, he wished she'd do _anything _at this point. Hit him, scream, shout, anything but stand there.

"Impossible." Natasha spoke just one word and it was barely more than a whisper.

Impossible.

She had wanted it to be possible so badly once upon a time that she'd have given absolutely anything for him to be standing there before her now safe and well but that had been nine years ago, nine years he'd been dead and gone and there was nothing that she could do to fix it and no amount of wishing was going to change that either; once upon a time she'd have given anything to change that, once she'd have given everything just to have had one second to say Goodbye but that was a long time ago.

He wasn't here now. This wasn't some miracle. Miracles didn't happen to people like them, in her experience pain was more likely than anything else and she'd had more than her share of it.

Hell, they both had but he wasn't here. He couldn't _be _here. 

"I lied, Natasha. Steve and I lied. We faked the whole thing because there was something happening I didn't want you to have to face. I lied, Natasha. It was all fake." Well, the dying part of it all was fake anyway. The fact that he wished he hadn't done it was very real.

The pain that he'd caused her as a result of that was very, very real and it was something that he hated having to live with. It was something that he truly hated himself for even causing now more than ever. 

"I'm sorry Nat please believe me, I'm so sorry." With a gun pressed to his head, what reason did he have left to lie?

The pain in his voice had him breaking clean in two but he watched her, all he cared about was her; he watched her falter as the tears sprang from their perfect perches and chased patterns down her cheeks as she shook her head. No. This couldn't be possible. All she'd wanted for as long as she could remember was him back and now that she'd finally come to some kind of peace with what had happened, she was forced right back to feeling that sense of loss and devastation all over again.

He had no right to ask her to forgive him but he'd settle well enough for her just _believing _him. 

"Steve told me to come by last night I- I saw you. I saw you and her and I just-" He probably should have chosen his words more carefully.

He watched immediately as her expression shifted and her whole demeanor changed in an instant. The anger exploded from her like a firework, hot and bright and alive.

She took a swing, knocking him clean off balance with a blow to his cheek that had an angry red welt appear beneath the skin almost immediately; he'd forgotten just how hard she could hit. She had always been as quick as she was powerful. All he had the time to do was inhale before she swung out again and he caught her wrist this time, within a fraction of a second though she had the gun under his chin.

"Stay the hell away from my daughter." There was a fierceness in her voice, a strength that went contrary to the agony on her features.

She had always been such an impressive creature even when she was breaking in one way or another she held to her strength.

"Natasha please. I won't hurt you, you know me. I wouldn't ever do a damn thing to hurt you. I know that I screwed up, I know that I didn't- God, Nat I messed up so bad. Just give me time to explain, okay?" What right did he have to even ask her that?

Well apparently she didn't think he had much of one another either because this time he took a blow to the stomach that knocked the wind out of him with a thud that brought tears to his eyes, he was glad it wasn't just a little higher because no doubt she'd have broken a rib if it had been she hit out that hard with her knee. He didn't mind in the slightest. She had to work this out in her own way and he had to let her. Bucky slowly straightened himself out with a series of coughs as he fought to get his breath back.

"No. This isn't possible. No." She took a step back, the gun dropped to the floor. Stupid. Stupid.

He caught her with an arm looped around her waist right before the stuffed animal on the floor had her fall.

"Natasha, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. It wasn't supposed to be for that long I thought I could handle it and explain why I did it when I fixed everything but it wasn't as easy as that. It wasn't as easy as going in and stopping the monsters and by the time I got back, you were gone. No one know where you were and I _tried _to look but I couldn't find you. I tried for a couple of years over and over but Steve thought you were dead. He kept saying you were dead, I didn't wanna believe it but I couldn't find anything. You disappeared and I tried like hell to find even a trace, I thought I did a few times but it led me nowhere. I tried to follow you." He wanted her to listen.

He really, truly wanted her to listen.

"I never wanted to stop looking but I figured either you were really gone or you just didn't wanna be found. I love you. You know I love you and you know I'd die before I hurt you but Natasha please, please. I did what I thought I had to do. I know I messed up. I know I did the wrong thing and I swear, I swear I'd take it all back if I could but please, please don't shut me out, okay? Please let me explain." 

Explain? What exactly could he say that would make even a little bit of this any easier? She shook her head running her hands through her hair. No, he needed to leave. It didn't matter what he had to say because not a damn thing he had to say would make any of this better. Not a damn thing he could say here and now would make any of this any easier at all, he'd lied. He'd faked his death and he'd left her alone.

He'd left _them _alone.

"Nothing you have to say will fix anything. You need to leave." Lies she could handle, she lived a life where lies were a necessity but this? This was torture. Telling him to leave was the only thing that she could do to stop herself from losing what little remained of her composure right now, she had to be strong if not for her own sake then for the sake of a poor, innocent little girl who'd have her heart broken by this.

This was pain that none of them needed. This was pain that would break a little girls heart and no matter how much she loved him or how much she wanted to listen to him or hear him out she knew that she couldn't do it because it wasn't just about _her _anymore. He was a pretty story that she told to a little girl and that story was better than the chaos that this lie would unleash on her life, she didn't deserve that. She was just a child.

"If you were here last night and you know about her you know that you didn't just lie to me you lied to _her _and you left a little girl thinking she doesn't have a daddy here for her and you need to leave and leave her alone. You can't do that to her. I won't let you do that to her." She knew that would hurt. It would hurt him to hear it as much as it hurt her to say it.

She knew it would hurt like hell and in truth she wanted it to just so he could feel an ounce of what she did. He had no goddamn idea what she'd been through and he had no idea how hard it had been to raise a baby on her own all these years that thought her father was gone before she'd even met him. 

"She deserves better, Barnes. She deserves better than you. Get the hell out." She didn't mean it, not a goddamn word of it but the pain inside of her was so overwhelming.

"You tell her about me, you tell her stories." He replied quietly.

She shoved him away from her. She shook her head vehemently. She had to protect their daughter.

"So what if I do!" She snapped.

"What did you think was gonna happen, that you'd just come here and tell me everything was fake and I'd forgive you? Screw you! You left me to raise a kid on my own for _eight _years. Eight. She's a goddamn kid. She's been a normal kid all this time and I won't have you march in here acting like you've got a damn right to be here just because you decide you're not playing dead anymore. She's not going to be hurt, not by you or anyone else. Leave."

Ouch, He understood she was angry but that? That hurt like hell; he knew he was going to have to let her get through all of this in any damn way she needed to get through it but that didn't mean that it wouldn't hurt, that didn't mean that it wouldn't affect him and that he wouldn't hate every damn second of it or wish he could change every word she spoke to him because he did, every goddamn word she spoke cut like a knife and he wished he could've changed that but he deserved her anger.

He deserved it ten times over and they both knew it.

"I know I messed up I should've-" He didn't get the chance to finish.

"You _messed up?! _Are you you serious? Alexei is threatening _OUR CHILD_ and you're going to stand there feeling sorry for yourself and telling me how you know you messed up? Go to hell!" She interjected, anger bleeding from her voice with every word. 

"Wait, what?!" He sounded alarmed.

What the fuck.

Natasha watched the way that he reacted to what she said and she shook her head. Steve hadn't told him, of course he hadn't told him. Natasha let out a short, humorless laugh as she shook her head.

"What, you thought I wanted to come back to New York? I left because I wanted her to be away from every goddamn person here that could hurt her or lie to her or put her in danger. I came back because my past - _our _past - is still haunting me and I needed to find somewhere safe with people I thought I could trust. No one stays dead anymore." She spoke that last part pointedly.

Cold? Absolutely.

"What happened?" He didn't care about absolutely anything else, not in that moment.

"Natasha, tell me. Please." She was right, it wasn't about him.

It wasn't about them, it was about the danger that their child faced and a monster that the two of them had thought they'd buried a long, long time ago. She was right, no one stayed dead anymore. Natasha released a sigh as her hands shot toward her face and she fiercely rubbed the tears from her face before she marched toward her desk and pulled out the pictures, holding them out to him as she released a small sigh as he took them and she explained what little she knew so far which - admittedly - wasn't much and both of them were frustrated by it. 

He knew the last time that she'd seen him, they'd ended up going toe to toe and Alexei had come off worse but then Natasha didn't go down easy, she never did. She was a hell of a fighter even when the odds were stacked against her and usually that was when she was at her most dangerous. She found herself releasing a sigh as she thought about that day, things had seemed simpler back then when she was fighting for her life than they did now. 

It was a strange thing to think about the fact that someone trying to end your life literally made more sense to her than any of this did, it was masochistic in some way she was sure of it. She shook her head as she released a sigh. They spent about 20 minutes tossing around every useless theory that she'd come up with herself over the last 24 hours but none of it made any damn sense. She didn't understand why nothing had happened and neither did he.

It was almost like she was being baited into something but she couldn't see the whole chessboard clearly just yet, he was rarely one step ahead of her for this long. He was predictable, his ego made him predictable but this time around she was in the dark for way longer than she wanted to be and that was what was scaring her the most, it felt like she was being pulled into a trap all over again and she hated it, there was no semblance of safety even around people she knew would never let anything happen to her willingly. He could see that even having her child away from her was causing her physical pain but she fought it brilliantly. 

"She's safe with Logan and Clint. I need her to think that things are normal so to her they're just taking her out for the day so that she can see the animals, she's obsessed with animals she has been since she was a baby." Natasha sighed as she made her way toward the kitchen. She was talking simply to try to ground herself at this point.

"Tea?" She spoke through gritted teeth.

"Coffee. It's been a long night." He replied weakly.

She nodded her head, she could understand that all too well; the bags beneath her eyes were far worse than his, he could tell that she hadn't slept a wink since she'd gotten this threat and it was unlikely that she would willingly do so until she found a way to ensure their child's safety. She made her way back in with two cups, handing him one before she sat down as far away as she could manage without literally being in another room. He sighed but he supposed it was better than her trying to shoot him or hitting him again.

He wanted to ask her about it, he wanted to ask her when the last time she'd gotten a decent nights sleep was or even when the last time she'd allowed herself to relax was but he knew that it'd take her a long time to think of an answer, he knew her well enough to know that she probably hadn't truly, completely relaxed once in their daughters life and she probably hadn't gotten a restful nights sleep once during that time either unless she hadn't been alone.

Maybe during one of the times she'd had someone there with her if she ever had... He didn't know. There was so much he didn't know but he did know that she was exhausted and she was walking a fine line to keep fighting because she didn't know what else to do with herself. He did know that she'd fight til her last breath to make sure that their daughter would be safe no matter what that meant for herself and he knew that scared the hell out of him. Natasha was strong, she'd always been strong but she was trying to face the world alone again and she was going to end up running herself into the ground trying to do it.

He wanted so badly to ask her to let him help. He wanted so badly to ask her to let him _start _to make _some _of this right but he knew her well enough to know she'd refuse. He hadn't earned that right yet and it was really up to her if she ever gave him the chance to do so.

She opened her mouth to say something but immediately she slammed it closed again as she heard footsteps. Shit. What time was it?

Her eyes widened as she turned to the door, hearing the handle push down as she quite literally sprang over the back of the sofa knocking her coffee cup over in the process and darted toward the door just one split second too late.

Just one.

Stood in the open door frame was a small girl with reddish brown hair and bright blue eyes wearing a pair of shorts and a hoodie that immediately looked past her mother and toward him and an excited smile spread across her features as she held in her hand a toy wolf that bobbed around as she quite literally ran forward and Natasha looped her arm around her and pulled her back.

"Daddy!" The gleeful tone that broke her lips had Natasha look more alarmed than anything else he'd ever seen in his life.

The child wriggled in her embrace.

One word had her look more panicked than any amount of danger that she'd ever been in had.

Oh shit.


	6. I'll never be worthy of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dreams of a child knock Natasha right off balance, she's faced hell before but nothing could have prepared her for this.

_Daddy!_

How was that one word the one goddamn thing that had Natasha Romanov - who had quite literally faced monsters and ninjas and assassins and goddamn aliens and literal firing squads - frozen in her tracks? She didn't feel so fearless right now.

In fact right now, she wasn't sure how she felt at all and she could do nothing but stare wide eyed at the wriggling child in her arms who fought like hell against her mothers hold; she was strong, she'd forgotten how strong she was. She hadn't had to attempt to hold her still in a few years.

"Em." Natasha warned gently but it did no good.

"Let me goooo!" She whined as she squirmed, attempting to duck out of her mothers arms.

Natasha rolled her eyes, the unfortunate futility of trying to hold still a child that simply would not have it became clear quite quickly and took a half step back, releasing the girl who momentarily turned stunned blue eyes toward her mother before a grin spread across her features and she moved forward faster than Natasha had ever seen her move before. 

This was ridiculous.

She'd always known kids were resilient but this was goddamn ridiculous!

She had absolutely _no _idea at all how the child - who literally just last night had believed her father to be dead - was _this _okay with all of this. What the hell. To her, the world was spinning out of control and yet her child was the one coping absolutely fine. She watched the little girl throw herself into her fathers arms and she tugged away at her bottom lip with her teeth.

"My wish came true." The child spoke softly.

In that moment, Natasha tilted her head to the side as she studied her daughter curiously before a sense of understanding washed over her; she could almost feel her heart break in her chest. Her daughters biggest wish in the world was to have her father here with her, of course it was. 

"Before we left, Jake said if you wish on a shooting star it _always _comes true and I saw one. I saw one and I wished for you. I wished _really _hard." Sometimes it was easy to forget that she was just a little girl that still believed in wishes and magic.

Sometimes in this dangerous world of theirs it was easy for her to forget that she really had raised her daughter to be _normal _and that meant that she was absolutely nothing like her mother was at that age, she'd almost forgotten that kind of innocence could exist but Natasha couldn't deny for even a second that the words broke her. She could feel the walls closing in around her and she couldn't breathe. She held to the wall like it was the only thing that wasn't going to crash down around her.

She had never realised that her daughter lived with such pain and such a sense of emptiness just like she did. She had tried her best all these years to shelter her but as she watched those bright, innocent blue eyes fill with tears she felt as though every ounce of strength she had left her body and she fought like hell not to drop to her knees.

Bucky Barnes was knocked off balance as a small set of arms wrapped around him and he looked down at the youngster stood before him; he was right, she looked just like her mother except for her eyes. She was small but strong and he could see the same fire that blazed inside of her mother in their daughter. In that moment, no words would come but the girl spoke before he had the chance to dwell on that and the soft words that broke her lips brought tears to his eyes.

Of all the things in the universe this girl could want, the one thing she wanted more than anything was him. It was enough to have her mother reach for the wall for support as she realised just how much her daughter had been missing her father all these years; she'd been around people that had normal families and she'd tried her best to give her as much as she could on her own with the occasional help of Clint or Logan but there were some things that couldn't be replaced.

It was in that moment that he understood the most how much damage he'd caused. He thought he'd understood it before but the set of blue eyes turned up toward him told him that he had no clue at all. With his daughter stood before him, he lowered himself to his knees and he reached out to touch her cheek feeling warm tears run over his fingers. He glanced for a moment toward Natasha feeling altogether more helpless than he ever thought he could.

"Momma always seemed so sad when she talked about you." The little girl released a soft sigh.

"She always talked about you like she wished you were here with us too. I wanted to help her and everyone else had a mom and a dad and I wanted to know what that was like, too." The little girl could meet neither of their eyes as she spoke.

Wordlessly, Natasha walked toward their daughter turning her to face her and pulled her into a tight embrace, placing a kiss on the top of her head before she knelt down and shook her head. All she'd wanted all these years was to protect this little girl and raise her to be normal like everyone else was, she hadn't realised just how much she felt like something was missing. Every time they talked about her dad all she had was questions and Natasha couldn't blame her for that.

She'd tried her best to answer everything she could over the years while protecting her from the darker parts of their truth but it seemed as though there was a part of this girl that still believed there was a way to fix this and a way to bring her father home again. Natasha couldn't remember what it was like to have such an idealistic view of the world or believe in magic the way that their daughter seemed to. She couldn't remember what it was like to be that innocent.

"Baby, it isn't your job to fix my sadness, okay? I am sad, I _was-" _She inhaled a deep breath.

She was still sad, she was _always _going to be sad because she'd spent years living under the guise of someone else's lie. Again. He knew how she felt about being lied to and having her life manipulated by the decisions of others. She was always going to feel the pain of that but she hoped eventually she'd learn to forgive it.

"It isn't your job to fix it." It had always been the two of them, of course she'd noticed how troubled her mother was.

Shit.

In that moment, there was nothing worse in the world than this. Seeing her child cry and feel - even for a moment - like she had to fix her mothers sadness made Natasha feel more like she'd failed than anything else ever had. For years now, she'd been convinced that she wasn't doing a good job at raising this child on her own despite Logan and Clint telling her otherwise and this seemed to reaffirm the fears that she'd been trying to tell them had been consuming her.

All the little girl wanted was her father.

"Are you going to go again?" She peered over her mothers shoulder at her father.

Her father who sat upon the floor of Natasha's apartment feeling more useless now than he ever had in his life. He'd broken the heart of a poor little girl, he'd left her wishing and hoping for years that someday, her daddy would come home and he _hated _himself for it. He heard her question and the soldier inhaled a breath, shaking his head.

"Never. Never again." He promised.

What a big promise indeed it was to make, he caught Natasha's eye and in that moment he spoke a wordless apology that he had no idea if she would ever accept or even if she ever could. He wouldn't blame her if she didn't, but she knew him well enough to know that he'd always love her no matter what. He'd love her no matter what she chose, he'd love her even if she spent the rest of his life hating him.

He'd loved her even when he had no idea who she was, that kind of feeling didn't just go away no matter how much someone tried to take it away.

He couldn't read her and that bothered him, she was fighting hard to shut down and he could tell that it was because she didn't want him to see just how much this was getting to her. He knew she was trying to act like there was a wall inside of her and he hated it. It had been a long time since she'd shut him out like this. He fell back so he was sat on his heels and he released a sigh as the child pulled out of her mothers arms and wiped away her tears.

"Did you eat yet?" Natasha questioned, pulling herself to her feet as she fought to focus her mind.

"Yeah, uncle Logan got me food before I came home." She shrugged her shoulders softly.

Natasha nodded her head weakly.

"Okay well, go get changed and see what I did with your room while you were out, okay? We need to have a grown up talk."

The little girl frowned at her mother.

"The last time you did that you threatened to throw a lamp at Uncle Clint."

Natasha let a burst of laughter break her lips.

"Yeah well, Uncle Clint was being a jerk and _you _were supposed to be sleeping." 

"He's _annoying _when he gets mad. He rants." The little girl rolled her eyes dramatically.

Mussing her daughters hair as she fought back laughter because she was exactly right: Clint Barton was over dramatic sometimes and he ranted better than he did absolutely anything else, Natasha tapped her on the shoulder.

"Go get changed. Scoot." She inclined her head then.

Grinning at her mother, she leaned forward to place a kiss on her cheek before she turned and ran toward her father and threw her arms around his neck.

"No more being gone!" She ordered before she pulled back and ran toward her room.

Natasha shook her head as she took a step toward Bucky, holding her hand out to help him to feet. He stared at it for a moment, in truth he'd half expected her to either leave him there to get himself up or hit him and knock him back on his ass though he supposed her measured, calm response was because of the child down the hallway. He knew that she was furious, he could see it but it was also buried beneath pain that seemed to have won out and she was tired. She was more tired than she could possibly begin to put into words. He took her hand and allowed her to pull him to his feet.

"You shouldn't have been here when she got home." She didn't mean it.

In truth she knew from the moment that he'd stepped through that door today that it wouldn't have been avoidable forever, sooner or later they were going to have to sit down and they were going to have to talk to Emiliya who deserved to know the truth... Or most of it anyway. The truth of just what she was would remain locked up until it was absolutely necessary if that day ever came at all but she wouldn't have been able to continue to lie to her if she knew her dad was alive.

She wasn't that cold and she'd never lie to her daughter like that even though she had no way of knowing how she'd have responded at all. She hadn't seen her reacting like that coming, not at all. She wished the hell that she could've seen it coming. She wished that she had seen just how much of her pain her precious baby saw but she'd always thought that she'd done better to hide it. She didn't show much of it until she thought she was alone.

Given who her parents were it really wasn't that much of a surprise that she was as intuitive as she was or that she was apparently that good at sneaking around.

Bucky Barnes released a sigh at Natasha's words. He hadn't intended to be here when she got back. He hadn't intended to come face to face with her just yet, he really had wanted that to be Natasha's call. He had wanted it to be on her terms so that she could do her best to provide whatever buffer she thought necessary but things weren't quite what either of them had really planned for it to be. He wasn't sure what the hell he should've expected but just like her, he hadn't expected that.

"I didn't intend to be." He replied, he glanced up at her as he spoke.

"For what it's worth? I'm sorry. I know it's just words, I know that it doesn't change what I did and I know it doesn't change the pain you went through or what you've been through all these years but I _am _sorry and I wish the hell that it hadn't happened this way."

"I do." She replied simply.

"I wouldn't change it because I wouldn't change a single day I got with her. I wouldn't change the hardest parts or the easiest ones, I'd never change any time I had with her." 

He could understand that better than he probably should have been able to. He could see just how strong a bond the two of them had; they'd never talked about being parents. They'd never had that conversation because for years they'd been led to believe that it wasn't possible and that it never would be unless they decided to adopt someday but it made sense for that to have been yet another lie, their histories were littered with lies told by people who only wanted to control them.

Of course they should've known that things weren't as black and white as their captors had them believe it was.

"I wouldn't expect any different." He admitted weakly.

"But I'd have come back sooner if I'd known." Or he'd never have left at all if he'd known she was pregnant.

She moved to pour a glass of wine before she sat on the couch and shook her head at him. She knew he'd have come home if he'd known, she knew already that if he'd known that she was pregnant with their child he wouldn't have done what he'd done and they'd have left together to raise their child as far away from all of this as they could have possibly gotten but instead that responsibility fell solely to her and for eight years, she'd done it. For eight years she'd kept that little girl safe.

"He'll use her to hurt me but if he finds out what she is or _who _she is? We both know what comes next." She gripped the glass tightly; she fought to remind herself not to break it.

"She doesn't know. She doesn't know what she really is and she never will if I can help it."

"She's like us?" His brow furrowed as he spoke, he watched her nod.

"Yeah. I had some tests done when she was little." By someone she'd trusted completely of course.

He knew as well as she did the danger that would put her in. He knew as well as she did that the child would already have a target on her back with Natasha being her mother but so far, no one - that they knew of - knew who her father was, nor did they know just how much that made it likely that she was just as special as her parents were. He knew that neither of their ghosts were locked in graves that would keep them from destroying everything. Their ghosts would consume what little good they had just like they always had.

"So what do we do?" He didn't know if Natasha had a plan.

"We turn to people we can trust. I've already made a few calls today. Tony, Matt, Bobbi, Laura, Carol, Bruce, Jess... I didn't tell them yet why I need their help. Bobbi knows, Clint never keeps a damn thing from her so she was the one I had do the tests but everyone else is clueless. They've all agreed to a meeting. I don't know how I'm gonna explain all of this but we need all the help we can get. I don't know if he's working alone or if he's got a goddamn army. The son of a bitch is charismatic and resourceful so we can't safely assume he doesn't have any backing." 

There were few people in the world Natasha hated more than she hated Alexei and this time, she wanted dead to be dead. She either wanted him so goddamn dead there was no way he'd ever claw his way out of whatever circle of hell he ended up in or she wanted him locked up in the deepest, darkest hole anyone could find and while she'd prefer the former, if she had absolutely no other choice the latter would have to do.

"And if he's not working alone?" It was an obvious question and he knew it.

"Then he'll have his army met with an army of my own."

She watched the way he frowned and she regarded him curiously. He shook his head at her.

"You've always had an army at your back, Nat. You know every damn person that loves you would fight by your side in a heartbeat so that's not it, that isn't what you really do. You don't run, you've never run from anything as long as I've known you." With the exception of doing exactly that when she found out she'd been pregnant but that made sense.

She was trying to keep that tiny life inside of her safe.

"You're afraid of something this time and it's more than just having this life touch hers, what is it? I know you better, talk to me." He met her eyes then.

She didn't look away, instead Natasha released a sigh and leaned back against the back of the couch.

"What if I fail? If I lose her I don't know what I'd do. I've faced monsters my whole life but I've never fought for someone else before except for you. Back to back, side by side with my friends and the people I care about but I don't know how to win if there has to be a sacrifice. What if the only way to win is to lose who I've become? How can I face her after that?" She brought the glass to her lips and downed the rest of the liquid.

It'd do no good, they couldn't get drunk and he knew she wouldn't even try, not with a child here.

"I won't let that happen. I've never let you lose who you were before and I won't now. I know you don't trust me, I know a part of you probably hates me and I'm good with that, I really am but I want you to trust that at least. I'll never stop fighting for you, Nat. I've broken something I shouldn't have broken when I told you I wouldn't walk away or lie to you again and I know I screwed up but I swear to you, I won't ever let you lose yourself and I'll never let anyone turn you into anything you don't wanna be again." Oh how he wanted to reach out now.

She shook her head though as he spoke. No. No, not at all.

"I don't hate you." She sounded sad as she spoke.

"I wish I did, I'm mad as hell at you but I don't hate you. When I saw you I- I half wanted to kill you myself for what you'd done and I half wanted to do exactly what she did and ask you not to leave again and I haven't felt that torn in years." She truly wanted to make him realise the damage that he'd done but from the look in his eyes, she saw he understood it perfectly and torturing him despite her anger would do neither of them any good.

"Don't get me wrong, I still wanna shoot you but I'm exhausted. I'm so tired and I hate that I didn't realise how hurt she was and now she's facing a danger unlike any goddamn thing I ever wanted for her and I can't fight every battle there is at once anymore. I need to be strong for her but I'm tired." She admitted, casting her eyes away.

"Then let me _help _you." He wanted to be the hero in the story she'd told their daughter.

He wanted to be worthy of that and of them.

"I don't hate you but I don't trust you." Soft, sad words slipped her lips as she glanced back toward her daughters room.

"I'll let you tuck her in tonight but then I want you to leave. I need to figure out what I wanna do and how I want to handle this."

That was fair. He couldn't ask anything more of her than that especially when he knew it was more than he had the right to ask at all; he knew she could very well kick him out and not even give him a moment with his child but Natasha wouldn't be that cruel, not to her child...

And though she wouldn't admit it to him, she wouldn't be that cruel to the man she loved even if she did want to beat the hell out of him but then that wasn't the first time she had and doubtlessly it wouldn't be the last either.

He had a real talent for pissing her off.


	7. Sing it back if you're with me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha turns to her best friend for comfort when she feels like she can't handle what's going on and Clint Barton makes Natasha see that her anger is entirely justified... It doesn't help her figure out what she wants to do though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No really she did dance in the rain look! https://i.imgur.com/tFRVcQq.jpg

To his surprise, she hadn't made him leave right after Emiliya had fallen asleep. It had been nice for him to tuck her in and read her a story, or at least he'd tried; she'd brought a few of her favorites with her when they'd moved but instead she'd made him tell her one of the stories that her mother had told her once only from his perspective. The little girl had been able to provide him with enough detail to know where he ought to censor something for the ears of a child.

Their stories were bloody at best and yet somehow, she'd made them safe for their daughter and hold to the romance of what they were and he found a sort of fondness in that knowledge. Natasha could be quite the romantic when she wanted to be, not many people knew that though.

She could also be quite girly, shocking right? Not one of those _Oh my hair is ruined! _in the rain types but the throw away the umbrella and just dance in the street types. He'd seen it firsthand. The recollection brought a soft smile to his lips and he chuckled. It felt like forever ago since they'd been that close, now it was all barriers and walls and closed off pain that she was trying to shelter herself from and he deserved every second of it.

It didn't stop him from hating it though and it didn't stop it hurting him. He found himself sighing at the very thought, what he wouldn't give to go back to that night. He loved her so damn much and yet he'd broken her heart all over again, what right did he have to claim he loved her after all he'd done to her? 

He found distraction in listening to her speak, she wouldn't talk about them at all in fact she'd downright refused to do it but she did tell him about his daughter. It was probably the first time he'd heard her sound anything close to happy since she'd seen him which was a thought that hurt in and of itself but he could hardly expect anything different after what he'd done to her; he felt like less of a stranger to his own child though, at least now he knew her birthday, her favorite toy, what she enjoyed doing, what she was afraid of...

He learned things that a father ought to know and he felt at least a little less detached from her. In truth, he wasn't sure he'd ever feel anything less than lost when it came to her because he had lost so many years with them both through his own stupidity.

They had talked until a little after midnight when she'd informed him that he did have to leave because she wasn't comfortable with him staying the night and he couldn't blame her at all for that; once he'd left though that left Natasha alone with her thoughts and alone to process what she'd been through. Today had been horrible for her and that was putting it very, very mildly. She had wanted to break down the whole time but it was amazing the strength that could be found when it came to ones children. 

She was hurting.

She was hurting beyond all belief and she didn't know how the hell to handle that so she'd done the same thing she always did when she was struggling with something on her own: She text Clint Barton to tell him to get his ass over and help her before she lost her shit. She had considered - briefly - going to bed but what was the use? She wouldn't be able to sleep even if she did. 

Clint - looking slightly disheveled - showed up after about an hour with pizza and a sixer and she offered him a thankful smile as he followed her inside, he paused for a moment as she turned to face him and he studied his best friend with worried eyes; he was already aware that something was bothering her but the way she looked right now told him that whatever had happened had broken her in a new way. He made his way toward her and wordlessly pulled her into a hug.

"What happened? Is everything okay with Em? She isn't hurt or something is she?" He sounded somewhat tired, she guessed she'd woke him up.

Natasha shook her head. No. Her child was perfectly fine, it was her that wasn't and she had no idea how to cope with that. She pulled out of Clint's embrace and she leaned against the breakfast bar in her kitchen with her elbows against it and her head buried in her upturned palms, she let out a frustrated groan. It was a few minutes before she looked up but Clint didn't push her, she'd always loved him for that reason: He was perfectly willing to let her talk in her own time, he didn't press anything.

"He isn't dead." She spoke as she glanced up. 

Clint's brow furrowed, he offered her an utterly confused look.

"You've lost me here, Tasha. Who isn't dead? Alexei? We covered that already." Man, was the stress really getting to her that bad?

"No, not Alexei. James. He faked the whole thing and Steve knew, he helped him." Even saying it out loud made her angry.

Nine freaking years. Nine. He'd let her think he was dead for _Nine _years and in that time she'd had to raise a child all on her own that was now taking the fact that her father was back from the dead a whole heck of a lot better than her mother was and somehow that made Natasha feel like she had to accept it in a way that she wasn't sure she could and just- Ugh. She didn't even know. She had no idea because all of this was a whirlpool of crap she just _didn't _need right now.

Or ever. People manipulating her with lies was getting old real fast.

"He what?!" Clint sounded about as pissed as she was.

See? That was why she turned to Clint. Logan would've just gone and beat the shit out of him for what he'd done to her but Clint would sit here and gladly be just as mad as she was but help her to work through it all the same. He was a good friend.

"Em knows too. He came by today and he was still here when she got home from the zoo." She flexed her hand as she spoke, he could tell she was trying to quell her anger.

He shared the sentiment. twirled the bottle he held in his hand to give himself something to focus on but the moment that she mentioned his niece knowing? He felt like he was going to lose it. She didn't deserve to have her head screwed with, not by anyone not even if that someone was supposed to be her father. He really hadn't been the biggest fan of Bucky Barnes before all of this but now he wanted to punch him square in the face.

"What the hell, Tasha! Why didn't you call me? Is she okay? What happened? He didn't hurt her?" There was the ranty-thing.

Natasha shook her head and offered Clint just a small smile, sad and pain filled and lost and he could see it in her eyes. Natasha released a sigh.

"No, Em is good surprisingly. She actually _wanted _this to happen which I guess makes sense but I guess that it's just me that doesn't know how to deal with it. He wants to be there for Em and that's good because that's what she wants but I don't know how to be okay with it." Her lips twisted into an uncertain expression. 

"Em is eight, Tasha. She doesn't know what she wants." He was met with a raised brow and a frown as he spoke.

Clint rolled his eyes.

"Yeah yeah I know, she's smart as heck but she's still just a kid. You gotta decide what's for the best here." Granted he wasn't a parent but he knew that kids needed protecting.

Even if they were being protected from people that were supposed to love them.

"He doesn't get to decide that he walks back in and everything is all good again, _you _do. You've done this on your own this long, you call the shots." His words were accompanied by a tone mixed with sadness and anger simultaneously.

He hated that his best friend found herself in yet another impossible situation due to the same asshole that had decided to play God with her life. Again. He hated the way that Bucky or Steve thought that this kind of thing would have been even remotely acceptable. They'd all died at least once, it was pretty much a rite of passage at this point and they'd all done the fake-death or dropping off the grid thing at some point too but... 

Well, never for that long. In Barnes' defense he hadn't known that Natasha was pregnant, no one but he and Logan had gotten to know that information because Natasha had decided with the father of her child apparently dead, it was safer for them both if she left. He'd argued - quite fiercely - that she was being an idiot and that the safer place was around everyone that loved her but Natasha had been intent on doing it her own way. It was her life, her baby and she'd been through enough.

She deserved to be able to make her own decisions. He didn't have to agree with them, there were a few that she'd made over the years that he might not have agreed with but he let her do whatever she felt like she needed to do anyway. She was his best friend and it was his job to support her even when he thought she was being a dumbass - like when she'd left - he'd support her no matter what.

"I can't make him walk away, Clint. She wants her dad around and I have to respect that." She released a sigh as she spoke, she was toying with her glass.

Natasha tapped an idle tune on the side of it, he felt pretty sure it was a song but he couldn't quite place what it was. It sounded too quiet for his hearing aids to pick up on properly anyway and asking her would just distract from far more important things, then again maybe a distraction was exactly what she needed, he honestly had no idea. 

"Respect it yeah, bend to whatever whim he has? No. That ain't right." He sounded grumpy.

She let out a small laugh and shook her head.

"Y'know, I love you to pieces but you know me better than that. I'm not going to just act like nothing happened and that what he did wasn't wrong; I'm mad as hell at him and I swear I was halfway between wanting to shoot him and-" She inhaled a deep breath cutting off with what was the fakest smile he'd ever seen.

Clint rolled his eyes at her.

"You love him, I get that but he's an asshole and he put you both through hell when you didn't deserve it and now you're back because you're facing a threat and all of a sudden now he wants to play hero? C'mon, he needs to either step up for real or leave you the hell alone 'cause this isn't about feeding his ego or making himself feel like he's a decent person after what he did to you this is about helping you stop a monster and save yourself and your little girl." He was always honest with her.

She admired that, few were. Few people actually got close enough to know that her reputation was only half of who she was and that there was so much more underneath all of that and something that was far more human. Clint had seen that all along no matter how many times she tried to push him away, he knew her better than anyone else... Well almost. Logan was a close second. Logan had always been family to Natasha long before he'd met her.

"I do, but he doesn't get a free pass because of that. He _knows _how I feel about people screwing with me, it's all I've had my whole life. After Ivan I never wanted anyone else to mess with me or try to force my life in some convoluted direction to suit their agenda. He knew that. He knew how I'd feel when I found out it was all lies, I get that he didn't know I was pregnant with Em and I get that he tried to find me after but that doesn't make it right." She couldn't help but concede to what he was saying.

"Yeah well, you didn't get me to come over to sit there and say Naw, forgive him 'cause he's the dad to your kid. You got me to come over because you knew that I'd tell you the truth and I'd make it clear that I think he's a dick." Then again he'd never really been Bucky's biggest fan.

"Never woulda done this to Bobs no matter what the threat was, there ain't no excuse for letting that kinda lie go on this long. We've all done it before, we've either literally faced a grave or been in one before something brought us back or we've had to drop off the grid but we ain't done that for this long." He knew Natasha already knew that.

He also knew that he was right: She'd got him to come over because she needed someone to tell her that her anger was justified and it was. She had every damn right in the world to be mad as hell. She had every right to want to beat the holy hell out of him if that's what she chose to do because what he'd done took 'dick move' to a whole new level and he hated the fact that his best friend once again had to go through so much because of him.

And Steve Rogers had a lot to answer for. Clint glowered at the thought.

"Yeah, I know." She replied quietly.

"But it's okay if you wanna forgive him too. We both know love ain't straightforward, we've both been down roads that lead us to hell enough times to know that sometimes you gotta follow your heart and all that crap." He rubbed the back of his neck.

He always did when he was at a loss for what to do or say.

"I don't know." Natasha rolled her eyes mostly at herself.

"I don't know what I want to do and that's half the problem. All I wanted for _years _was for her to have a proper family, I wanted him there because I was worried I couldn't do it alone and she deserved to have her dad there and what happened was cruel and hard to live with but then I realised I could and it all changed. I got used to the knowledge that he wasn't coming back. I got used to him being gone and I came to some kinda peace with that because I had no choice and then this. This happened like I needed _anything _else to deal with already."

She didn't. She really didn't.

She had enough with the threats to her and her daughters life to deal with but maybe that could be a good thing. Maybe him being here could be a good thing because at least then she had the backup and the support, he had just as much reason to fight for Em as she did but then so did Logan and Clint. They loved her just as much. She didn't need him there to have her back, she'd proved that all these years.

But that didn't mean for a second that she hadn't stopped wishing he was here or that she'd stopped missing him because she hadn't. She loved him and there was no changing that and she wouldn't, not even if she could. She wouldn't change it because she knew such a huge part of her would be forever missing if she did. He might be the one person in the world that she was most angry at right now but that didn't change how she felt for him.

He'd lived thinking she was dead just as much as she'd lived thinking he was, the only difference was her supposed death wasn't a lie she'd chosen to tell rather a consequence of her need to disappear rom the world that she knew for the safety of an innocent child, a child that had been dragged into it all anyway. Natasha was good at disappearing when she needed to, she just wished she'd seen a threat from a dead man coming and she wouldn't be in this mess to start with.

"Maybe I do need his help. Maybe I need his help to end it for good this time. We tried, right? You, me, Bobbi... We tried. We tried and he still wouldn't stay dead." She wasn't sure if she was trying to convince him or herself at this point.

"You don't need anyone, Tasha. We were only there 'cause Bobs mission crossed with yours, you could've handled him on your own and you know it. You're right, he didn't stay down and yeah maybe we need everyone we can get to make sure he does this time but you don't need to let that be him if you can't do it. You got me, you got Logan and Laura and Remy 'cause he's basically Laura's shadow these days, you got Bobbi, Katie, hell I'm sure even Rogers and Hill would be willing to fight for you too. Tony, Tony ain't gonna let you die or let anything happen to your baby. Carol too." Naturally he was going to make her see that she had backup outside of the person that had broken her heart.

"I know, I know I have people out there that'll fight by my side but this isn't _their _fight and you know it. The world I came from eats you up and it doesn't leave much of who you were behind. They're dangerous and he's probably the worst of all, at least Ivan stayed dead." Dead for real this time anyway.

She'd faced every goddamn monster she'd tried to run away from over the years and so if it was a certain death he wanted, she was more than happy to oblige.

"He doesn't walk away this time, Clint. None of that '_we don't kill unless we have to' _bullshit. He gets put down and he stays down. This time around, we have to shoot to kill because I won't take a chance on him busting out and coming after her again. I don't kill for the hell of it anymore but him? I'll make an exception and if he tries me I'll make it hurt."

_Killing someone is easy, making them suffer is an art._

Making someone suffer was an art that the famous Black Widow had a particular proclivity for. If he wanted to screw with her, she'd make damn sure that he'd face a pain unlike anything he'd faced before because this time he was messing with her child and she'd never let that stand and Clint knew that. This time, she was fighting for more than just herself.

"Alright, we kill him dead and we make sure he stays in the ground." He'd do all he could to make sure that it wasn't necessary for her to take that shot though.

Natasha didn't deserve to lose herself for the sake of a monster like that, she was better than that. She deserved better than that.

"We hit him with all we've got and we show him that you don't fight alone, if he wants to take on one of us he gets the whole damn lot of us." At least everyone they could find anyway.

It didn't have to be on Bucky Barnes to play the goddamn hero, he didn't deserve to be the one that got to save the day after everything he'd put her through but he did - whether Clint liked it or not - have every reason to fight by her side. Bucky was an asshole but even Clint knew he loved Natasha. He was an asshole that had made a huge, huge goddamn mistake that Clint really hoped Natasha would make him pay for but that didn't mean he deserved to be punished forever.

This life of theirs was complicated at the best of times and sometimes you made a dumb ass decision and you had to live with the consequences of that. Bucky was going to live with the consequences of it in ways that he couldn't even begin to understand because sooner or later, the little girls excitement was going to subside and she was going to be angry.

Kids did angry better than most adults but Mini Romanov? She was like a goddamn tornado. Heh, good luck with that one Barnes. He deserved whatever she decided to throw at him ten times over for his dumb ass mistake.

Deep down though, Clint hoped Natasha could pull her family together, she deserved a happy ending.


	8. It's not the way I planned it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha splits her day dealing with both Tony and Steve and both produce their individual challenges, being back is proving to be harder than she wants to be, Emiliya makes an unlikely friend though so that makes her stress worth something.

Morning rolled around and a tired Natasha was confronted with a very hyperactive child at 8:30am. A child who ran in in a very overly energetic and enthused way and threw herself onto her sleeping mother. A child that placed both hands on her mothers cheeks and offered her the brightest smile that she'd had out of her in days and that made her waking her up so abruptly worth it.

She offered her child a soft laugh.

"Morning to you too, bright eyes." With both hands on her daughters cheeks to mirror what her daughter had done to her, she placed a kiss against her forehead.

"I'm sorry I was so grumpy, momma." The little girl spoke gently, cuddling into her very glad mother. "I was just mad that we had to leave again. We _always _had to leave and I wanted to stay."

She could understand it. Natasha herself as a child had never been a particularly social creature, she'd never been allowed to be anywhere close to normal. She knew that her child lived a very different life to her and she was glad for that, she'd rather die than allow Emiliya to share the same fate that she had, she'd do all she could to ensure that her daughter remained a normal, happy child.

She'd left almost everyone she knew behind when she left here which was pretty much any social connections she had all but ended except for a select few.

She wasn't a child in the eyes of those that 'raised her' though. Back when she'd been young the closest thing that she'd had to a friend was Yelena and they were more rivals than actual friends. Yelena wanted to be better than Natasha and Natasha was conditioned to prove that would never happen. It wasn't as though they were ever going to be like normal kids. She didn't have stories of childhood friends.

She didn't have anything real from back then that much she was aware of, all of it was implants and lies.

All of it was whatever they needed her to be at the time and that was nothing more than a weapon, a beautiful, deadly Spider that they sent out into the world to accomplish their own ends. She wasn't a person, she'd always been Ivan's little pet she'd just been too stupid, too young and too naive to see it. She'd been forced to marry someone she hadn't loved but they'd implanted it into her that she did while they took away the person that she _did _love because they weren't allowed to care for one another over their forced loyalty.

Her and James had been the one thing that was real.

"We're safer here, I know you wanted to stay and I know you were happy but I promise you, I'm doing this for your own good. I know you don't get it right now but when you're older you will, you will and you'll know that everything I did was because I wanted you to be safe and happy." Ultimately that was all that mattered.

Ultimately that was all that would _ever _matter to her.

"I trust you, momma." The little girl spoke gently, offering her mother a smile.

Natasha mussed her hair and let out a soft laugh.

"Go get dressed okay? We'll go for breakfast then I need to go see some friends." That? That made her just as nervous as speaking with James, that made her just as nervous as going to see Steve.

Her life was slowly but surely becoming more and more exposed to those around her and she hated it.

She hated that her secrets were no longer going to be her own but there was no way in hell she could ask for help if she was keeping everything to herself and it was help indeed that she needed. She needed her friends to know why she'd run and why she'd come back, she needed them to know why she needed their help and the only way that she was going to be able to do that was finally tell them the truth, it didn't mean that she had to like it though.

* * *

Stark Tower hadn't changed one bit since she'd left, it was still as ostentatious as ever but then Tony Stark wasn't a man that would ever change his ways and she knew it, he'd been exactly the same as long as she'd known him and a part of her was glad for that. She held the hand of an 8 year old girl as she walked into the foyer, she'd been half tempted to just go to Tony's penthouse but it was Monday and she knew he'd be here.

He did like to work. He always had, he always had his head in some project or another and she was proved exactly right when she stepped off the elevator and into his lab.

"Tony Stark." Natasha spoke playfully. "Nine years and you still look as handsome as ever."

He turned then to look at her and a shocked expression settled on his features. His brow furrowed as he studied her and took in the woman before him, the very same woman that he hadn't seen for nine years now and the very same woman that he'd been told was dead for years now. Many theorised that she'd followed her love to the grave though not through her own volition. Natasha wasn't that kind of person.

"Natasha?" He spoke like he could hardly believe that he was standing there before her. "Where- How-" 

She offered him a gentle smile and inclined her head to the child who was staring up at him curiously.

"I left because of her." That was - in her eyes - explanation enough.

He studied the youngster then, she had bright blue eyes and reddish brown hair and she looked toward him curiously but every so often her eyes would flick to something around the room that made a noise and that brought a smile to Tony's lips.

"She's yours?" Obvious question. "Right, of course she is. She seems like a curious little thing." 

Could he really expect anything less though? Little Widow was bound to be quite the bright little thing, her mother was after all and not many gave Natasha the credit she was due for her intelligence. Tony Stark was not a man that made that mistake, he'd underestimated her one too many times in the past to know that it was a bad idea.

"She's a smarty pants." Little bit of a smart ass too but she wasn't going to say that, instead she just grinned. 

Tony noted her expression and laughed.

"Well I'm assuming you aren't here because you wanted me to meet your kid, unless you did in which case I'm honored but last I heard you were dead."

"Yeah, you and everyone else." Natasha shrugged. "I'm here because I need your help and _she _needs to meet the people in my life that actually matter."

Which was exactly why the first two people she'd met from Natasha's life had been Clint and Logan. If Natasha was going to stay here then the people in her life would have to be a part of Emiliya's world, too. She wanted them to know from her that she had a child. She wanted to be the one to ask them in her own way to be a part of her life too.

"Emiliya, this is Tony Stark. He's an old friend of mine. Tony, this is Emiliya." 

"Did you make all these things yourself?" The child asked, her voice full of wonder.

Tony let out a small chuckle and nodded his head.

"You wanna look around? Go on, I don't mind."

Emiliya turned questioning hopeful eyes toward her mother who after a long pause nodded her head in approval and she ran off.

"She won't break anything, she's more likely to sit there for hours trying to figure out how it all works." Natasha knew her daughter, she wasn't destructive.

Intelligent and curious yes, destructive no. She'd spend hours quite happily in here watching everything and trying to figure out how it all worked just to settle her own curious nature. She had always been inquisitive ever since she was a baby, she'd asked a million questions about absolutely everything and Natasha had always loved it.

"Smart like her mom." Tony commented offhandedly with a shrug. "I presume she's Barnes' kid?" 

With a raised brow, he watched Natasha nod then sigh.

"I'm sorry, that's gotta be rough..." Tony softened considerably then.

"He's not dead. Barnes and Rogers lied to everyone and faked the whole thing." She was trying to quell her anger. "He's alive, Tony."

Tony let out a small, humorless laugh as he shook his head and reached out to stroke the top of Natasha's arm gently in what he hoped was a reassuring way, Tony was usually really crappy at these kinds of things but he tried his best to be there for the people he cared about; it was a damn cruel thing to do to anyone, he'd known how much Barnes had meant to Natasha. He'd known all too well that she loved him and Natasha didn't do weakness like that usually not even way back when they'd first met and they'd been a thing.

Huh, it felt like forever ago since then. So much had changed for both of them over the years that it was easy to bury that and carry on with a friendship that while challenged and sometimes seemingly impossible endured and he was glad for that. He cared for Natasha and he knew she did for him too. She'd had his back more than once and he'd had hers.

"What an ass." He rolled his eyes as he spoke. "I hope you beat the hell out of him for it."

She laughed then, truly, actually laughed for the first time since she'd gotten back here and she genuinely, honestly wished that she'd been able to because he did deserve it but at the same time it wasn't the right thing to do and she knew it, she knew that Tony did too so instead she shook her head but smiled anyway.

"No, I mean don't get me wrong I was tempted but it isn't fair on her. She found out about it yesterday just like me. It was a hell of a day." That was putting it mildly.

In truth she was trying her best to cope with it far better than she actually was.

"So, what do you need?" He might not be a spy and he might not have her training but even he could see she needed to get off that subject for a little while.

"I'm in some trouble and I could use all the help I can get to keep her safe." She launched into an explanation about Alexei then, trying her best to include as much detail as she could without making it too much of an impossible task to process.

"You know I'll do anything I can, you don't even need to ask." He glanced back at the child for a moment. "After everything we've been through you know I'll always be here for you."

That was one down and many, many to go but at least she knew she could count on him just as she'd hoped she could. She had a whole goddamn list of people that she had to speak to yet, she was already exhausted and dreading it but she had to go and talk to Steve... Yell, she had to go and yell at Steve but she'd try her damn best to keep it as calm as she possibly could because he'd stood right there and lied to her face.

He should've sat her own and told her the truth himself, he owed her that much after lying to her all this time. The moment he'd found out she had a child he should have told her the damn truth. He'd still stood there and held to his pretense and so that on top of the whole Alexei situation made Steve pretty much on the top of her _You're an asshole _list. She released a sigh at the very thought of it. Tony offered her a questioning look.

"I have to go talk to Steve."

Tony smirked then and shook his head at her.

"You mean you have to go kick his ass."

She shrugged her shoulders.

"Same thing." 

Both of them looked back at the curious child who was playing with one of Tony's robotic arm prototypes. She seemed quite immersed in studying the mechanisms and the synthetic muscles. She reached out a hand and picked up one of Tony's tools, she moved something over just at the joint of the wrist and sliced the skin-type surface covering it and she studied what was beneath it.

"You have it all wrong here, it's too tight. The hand won't move properly because it'll pull too much, it'll send an overstimulation to the nervous system and they won't be able to use it properly. It'll seize up." She commented, tilting her head softly to the side.

Tony walked over to see what she was doing.

"If you loosen the muscle it it'll work better, less pull. There's too much pressure because it's too close that's why the movement is so stiff. If this is being used as a human limb for people that lost their own it's gonna cause a lot of pressure on the nerves." She reiterated her point by poking the muscle with the scalpel in her hand, it seized up immediately and wouldn't move back despite the visual struggle the arm was having to right itself. The girl sounded far older than she actually was.

"It's just a test." Tony grinned as he walked over. "One of my interns made it. I'll have to tell them they were outsmarted by a kid. How do you know all this stuff?"

"I studied biology with aunt Bobbi." The little girl shrugged her shoulders. "She's smart."

Natasha couldn't help but laugh. Tony though looked astonished and more than a little impressed by the girl. She was smart as hell though he supposed he shouldn't have expected anything else, she was Natasha's child and her mother was one of the smartest people Tony knew, she just hid it well. Natasha was one of those people that most underestimated once, most didn't have the gall to do it twice.

"Told you she wouldn't break anything." She walked over placing her hand on her daughters shoulder. "We should get ready to go."

Tony flicked his eyes to Natasha.

"Let her stay. She can school me some more." He could tell Natasha was stressed enough. "Pick her up later, she'll be safe here."

Natasha looked apprehensive, her eyes flicked between Tony and her daughter and she was just about to tell him that she was happier taking her with her when her daughters bright eyes turned toward her with a grin on her features and a pleading _Oh can I momma? _broke the girls lips leaving her very little option but to nod. Tony was now officially the third person in the world that had been left alone with her child.

"Okay fine." She conceded with a small sigh. "But you be good okay?"

"She'll be perfectly fine, Natasha." Tony soothed, placing his hand on her shoulder. "I won't let anything happen to her, this is one of the most secure places in the city."

Natasha knew that already but it didn't alleviate her anxieties one bit. She appreciated the help she really did, it wasn't as though she didn't trust Tony either because he knew she did and so did she, they'd been through too much and he had no reason to want to hurt her but it was the anxiety of motherhood and the worry that everything she was going through would end up destroying the innocence she'd so desperately tried to preserve in her daughter.

"Go and do what you need to do, you can pick her up later. I'll feed her and everything." Tony smiled an honest, genuine smile. 

"Fine, fine. Just... Call me if anything happens?" She knew he would but she still said it anyway.

She knew if anything happened she'd know about it immediately because there'd be an alert sent to absolutely _everyone _in their lives, everyone worked together that was the whole point of being a team. The roster of The Avengers may have changed more times than any of them could keep up with but the always had one anothers backs no matter what.

* * *

Arriving at SHIELD, Natasha kept her phone in her hand simply because she didn't want to miss any potential calls, she was uneasy about leaving her daughter with Tony, it wasn't because she didn't trust him but because she wasn't used to anyone that wasn't Clint or Logan having her on their own, she supposed though now that she was back around everyone else she was going to have to start trusting them especially when things started to get really bad.

When things started to get really bad, she couldn't take her daughter into the field with her so she was going to have to start trusting other people too, Logan and Clint would be right by her side when that eventuality came so they weren't options. Natasha's anxiety didn't seem to want to abate. She made her way into Steve's office and her expression was somewhere between angry, anxious and downright frustrated. Her mind was racing.

Studying him, the redheaded spy remained quiet for a few long moments. She flicked her eyes around the room and noted the collection of pictures on the wall, people SHIELD was targeting she supposed. The window overlooked the garden behind the building which was actually quite beautiful and a relaxing place, she knew in a place like this they needed that every once in a while. She wondered when they'd put that in because it wasn't there when she was here, it had been a barely functioning building that had obviously since been knocked down.

Steve raised a brow at her before he offered her a look of apology that she shrugged off and he sighed. He should have known she would, she was angry and she had every right to be.

"You're an ass." Natasha stated it matter-of-factly.

Steve conceded with a nod.

"I deserve that." He could see she was hurt. "I didn't want to lie to you for what it's worth." 

"Honestly? Not a whole lot." Natasha muttered. "You _did _lie."

Steve Rogers - a man that had prided his life on honor and doing the right thing - was not overly fond of being called a liar, granted he'd done enough to deserve that from her but it was hard for him to hear and he struggled to do so without wincing. Natasha's anger and pain were justified, he just wish he'd known what she was going through sooner.

"I'm not going to patronise you saying if I knew I'd have told you the truth sooner." Steve sighed then. "But I did tell him I thought it was a lousy idea."

He really had, he'd really tried to tell Bucky that he was making the wrong move but his best friend had been so convinced that he was doing the right thing that Steve had realised quickly that there was no talking him out of it. He'd hated the plan since its conception and he made no secret of that but it wouldn't lessen anything for Natasha at all. 

"She lived _8 years _without a father, Steve. How the hell is that fair on her?" Natasha was barely holding it together. It wasn't just her that had suffered.

"It isn't. None of this is fair and I'm _sorry _Natasha, truly I am." He sounded earnest.

She knew Steve, he regret what he'd done and he wished that he hadn't done it and he wished that he'd have been able to help her through it all. She knew that he'd have never done anything to intentionally hurt her and he'd have done all he could for her if she'd stayed but it had been her choice to leave. She'd lied just as much as he had but she'd done so to protect a child, he'd thought he was protecting his best friend. They were both at fault but at the same time neither was.

It was a hard situation.

"Where is-" Steve started the question but stopped. It was none of his business.

"With Tony. She was giving him a hard time about how lousy his interns were when I left." She couldn't help but smile at that.

Steve though looked surprised, clearly the fact that she'd left her child alone with Tony Stark; Natasha trusted Tony and he knew that but leaving her child alone with him was something that he hadn't seen her doing. He supposed though that Tony earned far more of her trust at this point than he did or even the child's father. 

"She's so smart, she likes to learn about things. He was working with a prosthesis and she told him how he could fix it, that kinda stuff makes her happy. She loves to learn."

"That doesn't surprise me at all." A small smile made its way onto Steves features. "You and her father are both very intelligent."

It wasn't through their enhancements either. A lot of people didn't think all that much of either ones intellect and Steve knew it was a foolish mistake to make, it wasn't just strategy they were good at but far more. Natasha made a lot of her own equipment long before she trusted Tony to do it and even then she didn't allow him to do much of it. She'd always done everything on her own terms ever since he'd met her.

"She shocks even _me _sometimes. I swear she learns things so quickly, I guess her enhanced genes are probably a good part of that. Her brain processes information faster than most other peoples does. She's spent her whole life learning. She speaks 6 languages, she can read books _way _above her age range... She's something else entirely, she never fails to impress me." Natasha sounded proud.

She had every damn right to be, too. 

"I really do hope you can forgive me, Natasha. I know I don't have any right to ask you that but I hope you do someday." Steve Rogers wore a sad smile.

Natasha glanced toward him and she shook her head.

"That's just it: I'm not angry at you Steve, I'm hurt that you'd lie to me. You should've told me when I came in and you met her. You shouldn't have sent him along on his own, it could've caused irreparable damage, I don't know what I'd have done if Em hadn't taken it all as well as she did." First and foremost she was a mother, she had to protect her daughter even if she was protecting her from her own father.

"She's smart, she's surpassed everything a normal kid her age does but she's still a kid. She's still 8 years old. She could've freaked out and it could've hurt her so that's what I'm mad about: Her. I'm mad at what it could've done to her. She's adaptable but she's just a kid and it's my job to protect her." Natasha shook her head.

The truth was she didn't feel like she was doing a good job at all of doing that lately. Alexei, dragging her all the way to New York, Bucky being back... It was a hell of a lot for _her _to process but a parent back from the dead could have caused a whole hell of a lot of problems for Emiliya.

"She wished for him to be there, did he tell you that? She wished for him to come back. That little girl, the one that amazes me every damn day wished upon a star for her daddy back because she still believes in magic." There was a sadness to Natasha's voice as she spoke.

"She handled it all _so _well but I couldn't take it if it'd hurt her. If it'd hurt her I'd have-" She inhaled, shaking her head.

She wasn't sure what she'd have done if she was going to be honest.

"I don't- I don't know I just- I need to keep her safe, Steve." She needed him to understand that, if he didn't understand that he couldn't be a part of this.

"I understand." He spoke softly. "I haven't handled any of this in nearly as decent a way as you deserved. I truly am sorry, Natasha. I'm sorry to both of you and I'll do whatever I can to take care of you and her. I'll do whatever I can to keep you both safe, you've always been a good friend to me and I care about you." 

"I have some information for you, by the way." Steve stated after a long moments pause. "I think there's a lot in there you may find useful."

So did she if she was going to be honest. She needed any advantage she could get over the hell she was facing.

This could be the most horrendous thing she'd ever faced and she knew it but she was doing it for a damn good reason, there was no way in hell Alexei was going to best her and there was even less a chance he was going to get his hands on her daughter.

Ever.


	9. She's never been one to hold back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can you really be mad as hell at someone when you love them so much? Natasha is about to find out. She doesn't concede easily but sometimes she knows anger won't get you anywhere.

Emiliya was perfectly safe with Tony, she'd made sure of that with 12 phone calls in the last 2 hours and Tony had told her that she really needed to relax and actually _trust _someone. She knew he was right but that didn't alleviate her worry. Her daughter was literally all she had and she was facing a threat that no child should face, Natasha was still uncomfortable with the thought that if that psychotic son of a bitch knew about her child then there was a chance that the monsters that raised her did too.

She trusted Tony that much was true but he had no idea what he was up against with them, not really.

She had spent the last 9 years more or less alone with no one but her child for company sans the times that Logan and Clint came to visit and that was only a couple of times a year. Clint would've had it more regularly if she'd let him but she was far too worried about it becoming too obvious where she was and so, she made sure that they didn't visit as often as she might have liked. She happened to like having them around simply because she missed them both.

Logan was her family and Clint? He'd been her best friend for years. Both of them cared for her and her daughter and they did all they could to help her and she was beyond grateful for that not to mention the chances she got to unwind when she took some mission or another with Laura. It was helpful for her, Natasha wasn't fantastic at being solely a civilian and they understood that. It wasn't that she didn't love her child because she did more than anything else in this world but she needed some time to just _unwind. _She'd been a spy her whole life.

Or at least for as long as she could remember.

She made her way out of SHIELD and just found herself standing outside resisting the urge to either scream or hit something though she was strongly leaning toward the latter. Her anger and her frustrations were at impossible levels by this point. Pulling her phone out of her pocket so she could call Tony again, she released a sigh and rolled her eyes at herself. If she called again she really was going to make him believe she didn't trust him.

Ugh. That made her feel worse. He'd probably ignore her call causing her to panic anyway. She huffed out a sigh as she drummed an idle beat against her leg and leaned against the wall as she shook her head at herself. She was being utterly ridiculous and she knew it, she'd never been this anxious until she'd had a child. It was amazing how much motherhood could change someone. Natasha was always strong and determined, she never let her anxieties get the better of her but then she'd never had anything to lose like this before.

Shoving her phone back in her pocket, she looked up as she heard a familiar voice shout her name and she rolled her eyes before she turned to look at him with an irate look on her features as she studied him.

"What do you want, James?" She fought to keep her tone measured but it failed. She sounded undeniably grumpy.

All she wanted to do was snap and tell him to leave her the hell alone except she wasn't sure that was what she wanted at all. There goes the frustrations yet again, she'd never been so doubtful over what she'd wanted at least not when she wasn't having her head messed with. She should want him to leave her the hell alone but there was still that small part of her that couldn't stop loving him.

She'd loved him for more than 60 years and even she didn't know how to turn that off even with her anger. He studied her with blue eyes and a wounded expression that almost made her think twice about her response. His eyes cast toward the floor and he released a sigh.

Almost.

He deserved it and he knew it but that did _not _make it hurt any less. He knew that she'd be angry if she ever found out, if there was ever something that threw the two of them back together and they'd been wrong about her death she'd be mad as hell after everything they'd been through that he'd put her through this too and she had every right to be. 

"I wanted us to talk." He replied quietly.

She breathed out a deep sigh and rolled her eyes. She wanted to understand why he'd done what he'd done she really did. She wanted to stand there and listen to him and hope that he could make everything right again but she had no idea how that was even possible. She wasn't as naive as their daughter, she knew things didn't get fixed that easily and so did he. She crossed her arms across her chest clearly showing her defensiveness.

"Not here." She glanced around. Here was _not _the place to have this conversation. 

She wouldn't stand outside of SHIELD and scream and shout at him for what he'd done to her, if she was going to do that then she was going to do it somewhere more private and somewhere she could let out just what she was feeling without anyone else seeing it. Natasha was a private person. He nodded his head in agreement. 

"Where do you wanna go?" He wouldn't assume, he'd already done enough damage to her.

"Your place. It's closer to where I need to pick up Em anyway." She knew he hadn't moved.

She'd accessed his files the moment he'd left that night before Clint came over. She'd wanted to know if there was anything in there that'd tell her where he'd been all these years but all of it was kept off book, of course it was. That had frustrated her to no end too but she knew that she'd be able to get it out of him eventually because if he was going to explain it then he'd have to tell her what the hell he'd been doing that had been more important than telling her the truth.

She could see it in his face that he wanted to ask her where their daughter was because the second she'd said it he opened his mouth to say something. She raised a brow at him as she considered telling him that it was none of his business but in truth it was and she knew it. He had every right to ask.

"She's at Stark Labs with Tony. Another thing you should know: Your daughter is a certifiable genius." She pushed away from the wall and started to walk then.

Bucky stared at her for a moment before he sighed and followed her anyway. There was still so much he had to learn about his child and that bothered him but little by little he was learning at the very least who she was. He'd known right away that she was smart but the thought brought a smile to his lips anyway. Both of her parents were very intelligent so at least she might have inherited something good from him.

Natasha was probably going to be furious at him for, well for a very long and very indeterminate amount of time because she didn't age. She could quite literally be mad at him for the rest of eternity and that bothered him to no end, he found himself wondering whether their daughter would share her mother's fate, he wasn't any different of course but then that had never bothered him before because it meant forever with her.

Forever with the woman he loved didn't seem so likely now given her present angry state. He had a whole hell of a lot of questions, a whole hell of a lot of regrets and he may not get the time he needed to make it right either. Natasha had every right to hate him if that's what she thought she had to do.

* * *

She didn't say a word to him on the way to his apartment but once they'd stepped inside she looked at him and sighed. She maintained a defensive posture and he knew that she was doing it purposely to keep him at a distance. She hadn't appeared to be all that insistent on doing it this passionately for quite some time and it bothered him. 

"Tasha, I know you have no reason at all to believe me but I really am sorry for what I did. I regret it. I'd change it if I could but there's nothing I can do and-" He closed the door and leaned against it.

She glared at him as he spoke before she walked over to stand in front of him.

"Give me one reason I shouldn't beat the crap out of you right now." She sounded so angry.

Angry enough to make him wince at it. He shook his head then, he knew that he couldn't do anything or _say _anything that was going to make even the slightest bit of difference. If she had to work out her anger, she had to work out her anger.

"If it makes you hate me less? Do it." 

He'd do absolutely anything at this point to make her hate him less. At this point, if beating the hell out of him was what it took for her to stop looking at him like she couldn't stand the very sight of him he'd take it gladly, he was already aware of the fact that he deserved whatever punishment she decided on. She narrowed her eyes at him before she rolled her eyes.

"I don't _hate _you." She clarified with a sigh. "Do I like you or what you did? No, but I'm not capable of hating you. How can I hate you? I've loved you most of my life and we have a child together." 

No matter how much she might wish she was occasionally - especially after him pulling this crap - she wasn't capable of hating him. She loved him too much to hate him and she knew he knew that too which bothered her all the more. She wished she could hate him because it'd make it a whole hell of a lot simpler for her if she did. She studied him.

"Is that what you want?" She questioned quietly. "Do you want me to hate you?"

He shook his head again and just watched her as she processed everything. She looked older somehow but only in her eyes, the experiences that she'd been through in the last nine years had taken their toll on her and he could see it. She tried so hard to be strong and be the person their child needed compensating for his absence with effort and pretty stories told to a child so that she didn't feel like her father was missing from her life completely but it had taken its toll on the woman he loved in untold ways.

It had taken its toll on Natasha in ways he knew he could _never _understand and ways that he'd spend eternity trying to make up for if that's what he had to do and he'd do it gladly because she deserved so much more from him than the cruelty he'd inflicted upon her when he'd left her alone to raise their daughter.

"No of course it isn't." He replied. "I'd never ever want you to hate me, Nat."

The very thought of it was unbearable. She stood there, her hands were balled into fists at her side but she made no move to lash out or act upon the urge to hit him regardless of how much she might want to. That would solve nothing, that would only end badly for the both of them if she ever had to explain it to their child so instead she closed her eyes and allowed herself to just breathe. Deep breaths that washed over her in calming waves until she finally opened her eyes and looked at him again.

He had been content in leaving her to whatever she needed.

She opened her mouth to say something but decided against it and she stepped forward then closing the small distance between them and she wrapped her arms around him and simply buried her head in his chest. He breathed out a relieved sigh before he closed his arms around her and kissed her on the top of the head. While unexpected, he was thankful at the very least that she wasn't screaming, shouting or hitting him.

She was entitled of course to do all three and no one would be able to fault her.

"I'm so sorry." He spoke softly. "I swear I didn't want to hurt you, I love you more than anything and you know I do."

She nodded softly but made no move to pull away, she knew and she'd always known that he loved her. He'd been willing to take so many chances that had only resulted in both of them getting hurt because he loved her so much. He loved her enough to risk his freedom, he loved her enough to rebel against their handlers.

He loved her enough to find his way back to her through impossible odds and she loved him just as much. She knew he loved her she just wished that he trusted her too.

"Why? I need to know why."

He knew she'd ask him, he knew that she'd want answers and he knew that he'd have to provide them sooner or later.

"The program I was a part of had other agents, some sleepers that didn't know what they were aside from the new lives they were implanted in, others still in stasis but a few were awake and dangerous. You know the monsters that raised both of us, you know what a danger they are and one of them had decided to hunt down Red Room graduates. Your life was in danger and it was my fault. It was people I trained. People I knew existed and did nothing about." He held her a little tighter then.

He should've done something about them years ago but he'd never thought that they'd cross paths again. It was stupid of him and he knew it. Natasha's brow furrowed though and against her better judgment she glanced up at him.

"Yelena?" 

He noted her concern and a smile touched his features. The two of them weren't friends but they weren't enemies, rivals and more often than not they fell on totally opposite sides of a mission but Natasha would never willingly do anything to harm her if she could help it. She felt for the other woman too much because she was exactly who she was once, she'd broken free but Yelena was stupid and refused to see her life for what it was: Control and manipulation.

"She's safe. Alive."

He watched her shoulders sag in relief then. She knew she should want Yelena out of commission, she knew she was a danger but she didn't deserve to be hunted down like a dog and killed by some psychotic super soldier, not even her - after everything she'd done - deserved that fate. It was probably the one time that Natasha would honestly say Yelena deserved better.

"Well that's good." She surprised even herself with her concern.

"And it's all over now?" Natasha questioned finally pulling back so that she could look at him.

She wanted him - no, needed him - to look her in the eyes and tell her it was truly over and what they'd been through was worth it. She needed to know he was telling her the truth because if he looked her in the eyes and lied to her she'd never trust him again. He knew that. 

"It's all over." He promised her. "I swear it's over." 

She observed him for a moment before she decided that she had no choice but to trust that he was telling her the truth. It had been a long time since he'd looked her in the eyes and lied to her and she knew that this time he'd know what it'd cost him if he did.

"If you _ever _pull anything like this again there won't be a chance. There's me and Em and you stay no matter what and if you can't do that I need you to walk away now and leave her alone. It isn't fair on her, she's just a kid and she wants her daddy and if you can't be that for her you need to stay away." She warned.

Her daughter's safety and happiness was paramount to her, what kind of mother wouldn't warn someone against hurting their child? Natasha was - and always would be - fiercely protective over the one thing in this world that had ever been truly _hers _regardless of everything else. 

"I will _never _do anything to hurt either of you." He promised as he took her hand in his.

"I mean it you have one chance. One." She still sounded so defensive.

One shot to make it right, surely that was fair right?

"We're gonna be okay you know. I won't let anything happen to any of you." He soothed. He knew she was anxious.

He knew she had been the whole time and he knew she was trying to put on a brave face while dealing with their whole situation, dealing with his faked death and dealing with raising their child and it was a whole lot of pressure on her that she expressly _didn't _need and he wasn't sure he'd ever stop apologising to her for what he'd done and he probably shouldn't either. 

"Why'd you leave anyway?" He'd been curious about that since the start.

"Because you weren't around so what was the point in staying? If I stayed I'd face reminders every day that you were gone and that there was nothing I could do. I'd have to deal with SHIELD and everyone else and I just couldn't do it. I knew that our baby didn't deserve to be watched or poked like some lab rat in case she was different too. I knew the best chance I had of raising her as a normal kid was to be anywhere but here." She inhaled a deep breath as she spoke.

She had to admit it had made a whole hell of a lot more sense to her years ago than it did now.

"But they could've kept you safe and made sure nothing like this ever happened." He replied.

She glanced at him and frowned shaking her head. 

"You can't honestly believe that." She sure as hell didn't. "If SHIELD had been involved she'd never have had a normal life not even for a second."

Natasha had grown up under the watchful eyes of some agency that had sought to use her for something or another and she'd done her best to guarantee her daughter didn't grow up under the shadow of any government. She'd done all she could to make sure that the only world she'd ever known was normal... Ish. Clint and Logan weren't exactly normal but she'd thought it was cool to have special people in her life.

"I believe Steve would've tried." Bucky replied softly. "He knows how much I love you. He knows what you mean to me, I don't think he'd have ever let anything happen to her and he'd have kicked my ass into making it right before it got like this."

"Nuh uh. You are not saying me leaving prolonged all of this. It was _your _choice to do what you did just like it was mine to do what I did." She sounded irate again.

He breathed out a sigh and shook his head.

"That isn't what I'm saying, I'm saying- I'm saying I made a dumb call that I could've fixed earlier. I should've looked harder and I know that. None of this is your fault, you did what you had to do to keep you both safe and keep her life away from this world." 

He was proud of her for that. He was proud of the harder choices that she'd made and how much she'd fought to make sure that their little girl was kept free of all of this for as long as she could, he wished that she'd been able to do it her whole life even if it meant he'd never be there if he was going to be honest. He was selfish but he wasn't _that _selfish. He wanted what was best for his child and her never learning about a world like this was what was best for her.

"How much like us is she?" He questioned.

Natasha's eyes flicked to the floor, her nose wrinkled as she mulled over what she wanted to say to him. She remained quiet for several long moments before she released a sigh and looked back up at him.

"Enhanced healing, endurance, speed... She's strong, very strong. I don't know if she'll end up with regressed aging eventually or if she'll age normally. She has so far but... I don't know if teenage hormones will kick anything else up or enhance it. None of us can say for sure but she's monitored as best I can." Away from SHIELD and every other agency, she was monitored away from all of that.

"By Morse?" 

Natasha nodded. She was the only person qualified that Natasha trusted.

"I know Bobbi, she won't let anything happen to her. She's-"

"Different too." Bucky finished for her.

"I'm worried about what happens if they find that out too. If they find out you're her father too... Who and what we are puts a target on her back and you know it too without them knowing what she is too. She's the only one like her."

"A second generation Super Soldier." He could see why she was worried.

No one like them that they knew of had ever had kids before. The Red Room didn't allow their agents to have children and the people in his program were too brainwashed to have anything close to a real life and even then, they weren't given anywhere near as much as he was of any of the serums they used. He was their best weapon, their pride and joy... She was the best of hers and he was the golden boy of his. It would all sound so lovely if they weren't so terrible.

Being the best when it came to things like that didn't exactly comfort you.

"That's not even touching on how smart she is. I can't even fathom what they'd do to her." She wrapped her arms around herself again as she spoke.

He reached out immediately to pull her into a hug.

"That won't ever happen." He promised.

She released a sigh and glanced up at him.

"This doesn't mean I'm not still mad at you." She pointed out. "But I know that if we're on opposite sides we're gonna be too distracted to protect her. I'm mad at you but I need you and not just to keep her safe." 

"As long as you still love me, you can be mad at me all you want darlin'." He smirked slightly then.

She dug him in the ribs and rolled her eyes. One problem down, a thousand to go.


	10. Close your eyes and let me lead.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky becomes worried about Natasha when he has a conversation with him that shows him a side to her he hasn't seen in a long time... She's dancing a fine line, he just hopes like hell if she slips she falls on the right side.

The last few days had been trying at best but it was nothing compared to today. Today was hell. She reached for the tablet computer Steve held out to her and she studied the CCTV footage, she was surprised that Alexei had been dumb enough to get himself on camera but then she knew already that it was deliberate. He wanted her to know that he was in New York and that he knew just how to find her. He wanted her to know her safety was an illusion.

That had been obvious to her since she'd gotten here though; Natasha may have been a lot of things in her life but she'd never been a fool. She knew already that her safety was - and always had been - subjective. She'd never be truly safe until the people that wanted her dead or wanted to manipulate her were in the ground and gone but it didn't matter. It didn't matter because that was impossible and it would always _be _impossible but she could hope that she could make it more trouble than it was worth to come after her.

Her daughter though... She had to protect her, she had to protect her because the thought of her ever falling into their hands was more than she could take and that was why she had to stop Alexei. She had to make damn sure that he was gone and gone for good this time. He was - and always would be - a monster. There was no redemption at all there and the thought of throwing him in some deep hole somewhere wasn't comforting at all to her because there was always the chance that he'd be able to escape.

She chewed her lip as her eyes flicked up to Steve.

"Alright so, we're already aware that this son of a bitch is determined to make my life a living hell."

And now he was apparently close enough to do it. She didn't add that out loud but then from the look on Steve's face she didn't need to. He looked worried and he released a sigh as he studied the redhead, he would never presume to tell her what to do, not in a million years would be presume to tell her what to do but his expression softened.

"Maybe it's time for you and Emiliya to stay in SHIELD, Natasha. It's safer." Steve spoke gently.

His tone didn't matter though. It earned a less than pleased look off of Natasha and she sighed. She might know he's right but she wasn't anywhere near happy about having to admit it. It wasn't about her, it sure as hell wasn't about her pride. It was about keeping her daughter safe and unfortunately, she'd lost the ability to do that herself. She'd managed this far on her own and now, now conceding to the help of the same people she'd left behind all those years ago wasn't easy for her.

It didn't stop her from glaring at Steve though no matter how right he was. She knew it wasn't Steve's fault, she knew that he was just trying to make the best of the situation that he'd been handed the same as she was and a part of her was tempted to ask Tony if they could stay with him but she knew that her and Tony would drive each other insane eventually. Liya would be happy though, she loved his lab. Maybe she could mess around in the lab here instead.

The rest of her freedoms were going to be massively restricted and that made Natasha feel worse than she had all of the times that she'd had to move her. Steve looked toward her as he waited for her to decide what she wanted to do, he didn't speak and he'd decided not to push her but he looked relieved when Natasha managed a stiff nod of agreement.

"I'll have rooms set up for both of you. You'll both be safe here, Natasha. I'll do all I can to make sure you're safe here." 

She scoffed though and rolled her eyes.

"You can't protect me from that world, you can't protect _her _from that world. All you can do is put a wall between us and them but if they're determined enough it won't take them long to blow it to pieces. It'll give us time and that's about all it'll do but time is still better than nothing."

It was her world. They were her demons. It was her past that was coming around to bite her in the ass big time and she should've known all along that it would. She should've known all along that safe would always, always be relative for her. Safe was subjective. Staying with SHIELD wasn't ideal but for now, it was her best option. It was the best in a series of bad options but it was the lesser evil.

"I need to call Logan." She knew how Logan would feel about their safety resting with SHIELD.

He'd be less than pleased with it, he wasn't their biggest fan but he knew Steve and he knew Bucky. They went way back and he knew at the very least he could trust Steve or at least he had once upon a time, she wasn't sure if that could still stand now after they'd faked Bucky's death leading to what she'd done all these years. It was why she'd blown her life apart, it was why she'd spent years running.

Logan was someone that she knew she could trust though. Logan had been by her side and in her corner the whole time and she knew that he'd do all he could to keep both of them safe. Steve offered her a calm smile and nodded almost like he'd expected as much and he probably had, he knew how close Logan and Natasha were. He knew how much they meant to one another.

"Of course." He knew she wasn't asking for his permission, she didn't need it.

He was her friend not her captor. Steve's own mind was racing as he tried to think of a way he could ensure the safety of Natasha and his best friends daughter. He cared very deeply for both Bucky and Natasha though he supposed Natasha would think he had a damn funny way of showing it after how much he'd lied to her. He walked out of the room to give her the privacy she needed to make her call. Natasha was glad for it.

She heaved a deep sigh when Steve walked out and her head fell forward, a curtain of long red hair hiding her features and a string of Russian profanities slipped her lips. Natasha had a habit of reverting to talking Russian when she was frustrated. She was frustrated, she was angry but most importantly as much as she didn't want to admit it, she was _scared. _She wasn't at all bothered about what might happen to her but she was about what might happen to her child.

Alexei knew about her that much was clear already but he hadn't told _them _about her which begged the question of why. What did he want? What was his end game here? What goddamn horrible thing did he have planned? She hated to even think about it but she _had _to. She knew him, she could usually outthink him. Her instincts were never this dull. She knew it was the need to protect her daughter that had overridden her training and she wished it hadn't right now.

She pulled out her phone and told Logan that she'd agreed to be put under the protection of SHIELD, just as she'd expected he didn't seem to like the idea any more than she did and she explained that she shared his apprehension but she wasn't sure what else to do and she was glad when he said he'd drop by later. By the end of the call, Natasha found herself feeling more alone now than she ever had. 

She had plenty of people around her that had promised to help her and protect her and it wasn't that she didn't trust them to do it it was that they weren't inside of her head. They didn't feel the paralysing fear that she did. They didn't look at that little girl and feel like they were about to break every promise they'd ever made her like she was. They weren't afraid the way that she was. Natasha had never felt this scared in her life. 

She had been alone, alone in her thoughts for a good ten minutes trying not to break down as she fought herself for composure when she felt a hand on the small of her back, she would've tensed up and reacted if she didn't recognise the scent of his cologne or the remember with agonising clarity the way it felt to have his hands on her body, the electricity still jolted through her like it always had. 

She kept her eyes closed, he just stepped around her and pulled her into his arms, she buried her head in his chest and she could feel herself fighting not to break. She didn't speak, she didn't have to. He knew her just as well as he always had.

"You're scared, I know you're scared but I swear to you I won't let anyone hurt you. I won't let anyone hurt our baby. I know I screwed up when it comes to both of you but I promise I'll be here. I'll be right by your side just like I always should've been. I won't let you do this alone. I won't let _anyone _touch our daughter. If that son of a bitch wants a fight he'll find one he can't win. You and me? We're the best of the best and we always were so we fight like we always did. We're a team, we fight side by side and we don't let the other go down. We have each others backs." Him and Natalia against the world.

They were exactly what he said they were: The best of the best. There was no one better than the two of them out there and they both knew it but this was unlike any battle they'd faced before. The stakes were far higher than any battle they'd faced before. 

"Pretty promises are one thing James, but we did fall once before. We fell when you faked your death. We fell when I spent years afterward wondering what I could've done differently to protect you. I looked at her and I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I failed. It was all my fault." Natasha pulled out of his arms then.

She took in a deep breath and shook her head, she didn't open her eyes for several long moments and when she did they were ablaze with determination. 

"What happened doesn't matter. It can't matter. This is the most important mission we've ever had and if we're going to work together we're a team. No lies, no tricks. We fight and we fight for _her. _If you can't do that for me I'll find someone who can. You're right, we do make a hell of a team but this isn't about how we feel for each other. It can't be about that. If we falter it's her life on the line." That was a chance she was _not _willing to take.

"Don't do this because you love me, do it because you love your daughter. We put aside what we are and we're partners out there. Nothing else matters, agreed?"

He nodded. They'd always been good at separating what they were out in the field and who they were behind closed doors and he was fine with that, he'd always been fine with that. They'd trade the occasional flirty quip but when they were out in the field they were operatives above all else and they worked well together. They'd trained together. She was good. He'd trained her to be good, she'd made herself _great. _

He was proud of how far his little spider had come and he had been since the day he'd gone toe to toe with him and she'd come out the victor. The student had truly surpassed the master and he couldn't be prouder of that.

"Steve told me he'd shown you the footage." He did exactly as she'd asked: He was focussed on the mission.

She'd wanted him to focus on the mission and that was exactly what he was doing, their mission this time was to save their daughter but she was right: They had to treat it like another operation that they needed to complete only this time the stakes were higher. What they could lose would be the worst thing any of them had ever endured, worse still than losing one another and he knew it was a loss that would never be acceptable.

It was a loss that could never happen.

"I need to reach out to some of my old contacts. Some people I'd rather not speak to..." She breathed slowly. She couldn't find calm no matter what she tried.

"The kinds of people I don't want to owe favors to but if it'll get me enough to even start to figure out what he's going, I guess I have no choice." She'd do it. She'd do it in a heartbeat for her daughters sake but they were bad people. They were terrible people.

He could see it in her face, she didn't like the idea of going down that rabbit hole. She didn't like the idea of ever reaching out to the shadows she'd sought so hard to stay away from but Natasha was so strong and determined, she'd fall down as deep into the darkness as she needed to for those she loved and she'd do it without a second thought, he could only begin to imagine the lengths she'd be willing to go through for her child.

"Just don't get lost down in that darkness." He replied gently. "We'll figure it out but we need you to win this fight, Nat."

Natasha, calling her that still felt wrong. He didn't know her as Natasha, he knew Natalia. He knew her as Natalia. 

"Natalia listen to me: we're going to beat this asshole. We're going to beat him but you can't lose yourself in the process." He made sure he held her attention.

"I know." She sounded so stubborn and determined. He shook his head.

"No, you don't. You're not thinking clearly and I understand why, I really understand why but listen to me: You're no good to her if you're lost. Use whatever resources you need but make sure they don't use you, too. Don't go in alone." 

"You're gonna have my back just like the old days, James? I play pretty and helpless and you take the shot for me?" She smirked as she spoke.

She leaned forward just a little bit and placed her finger beneath his chin with a seductive smile.

"I was never helpless, handsome. Don't you _ever _forget I never find myself in a situation I can't control."

That wasn't Natasha. That wasn't who SHIELD and years of attempted heroics had made her that was speaking to him. That was Natalia Romanova, The Black Widow. The Red Room graduate, the assassin. The deadly, beautiful woman that he'd fallen in love with and damn it he'd almost forgotten just how much power she could have over someone effortlessly when she wanted to.

"I uh..." He swallowed as he tried to reply.

She smirked and laughed.

"Still think I need you to save me?" She poked playfully. "I haven't forgotten who I am, James. I may have a child but I'm still _me. _I know exactly how to handle myself."

"I forgot how good you were." His heart was racing. "I haven't seen that side to you in a hell of a long time..."

"Buried for a good reason but never ever gone. I know exactly which side of me to use when I need to use it. Calculated, remember? They trained me to manipulate my situation in my favor and this'll be no different."

Ah. He understood now. If Alexei wanted to play her, she was going to play him right back only he knew for a fact that Natasha was better at it... Alexei was just more short tempered than Natasha was. He was more likely to take the shot but then he had a sinking feeling it was what she wanted. 

"What's your play here, Nat?" He questioned dubiously.

She just shrugged.

"Prove to everyone out there that thinks they can get the better of me that they're wrong. They think they're the shadows and it makes them safe, they seem to forget that the monsters like the darkness the best. I haven't been that person in a long time but they're threatening my baby. If they want to provoke something deadly, I'll remind them exactly why people were afraid of me to begin with."

"Be careful, Little Spider."

"I'm not the one who should watch what they're doing." She replied. "You were right when you said it should be like it used to be, you were just wrong on when. The people we've become won't do what's necessary, we may need to be the people we were."

It all sounded so simple when she put it like that... Oh little spider, What the hell are you thinking of doing now?


	11. I don't believe I've failed you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan talks Natasha out of doing something stupid and Natasha realises she needs her family more than she ever thought she would.

She wasn't sure what was worse, being in a room full of people that she should've been able to trust while she told all of them why she'd lied to them and let them believe she was dead for almost 9 years or telling them that though she'd done all of that she really needed their help. Tony - just as he'd promised - had her back through all of it assuring her that no matter what happened he'd be there for her and he'd protect her. He promised her that he'd help her daughter and that he'd protect them both and she appreciated that more than she could begin to explain.

Carol hadn't been anywhere near as shocked as she thought she would be, Carol Danvers knew a whole hell of a lot about Natasha and for the most part Natasha was fine with that. Carol had been ecstatic to learn that she had a child but she wasn't surprised by the news; Emiliya had been beyond excited to learn that her mothers "_Family_" were all superheroes. The two of them had bonded immediately just like she had with Tony; Natasha wasn't sure she'd ever stop being impressed and a little worried about the way her daughter seemed to have with people. Aunt Laura and Aunt Bobbi both got huge hugs and informed that now she lived in New York too they had to come and visit more.

Both of them were happy to oblige but then much like Clint and Logan they weren't good at saying No to Emiliya at all. It was something that it seemed everyone else who met her shared too, she was quite the charismatic child and she had a way of charming people. Everyone that she'd met had absolutely adored her and each person had sworn to protect her and be there for her mother and that was something that Natasha - despite her apprehension - was thankful for. 

Bucky had gotten quite the hard time off of just about everyone and there had been more than a few threats especially off of Logan, Clint, Laura and Carol. Bobbi had thwacked him upside the head and told him he was an idiot and he'd accepted that but then the two of them had been friends prior to his whole faked-death so he was quite thankful that she didn't hate him either.

Emiliya had made a point of telling _everyone _that would listen to her that she didn't want to be stuck in SHIELD and that she found it boring. Natasha had tried her best _not _to make it too obvious that she agreed wholeheartedly with the assessment and Clint had been amused as hell as told her that it reminded him of her when she'd first started working with SHIELD, she'd maintained for quite a while that it felt like a prison but then that was her inherent distrust for any and all government organisations but after what she'd been through at the hands of those kinds of things, no one could blame her.

Things with her daughter were different to things with her though. She hadn't been 8 at the time and her daughter was never supposed to have to turn to an organisation like that to help keep her alive. At this point she wasn't sure she'd ever forgive herself for how much her history and her past was starting to blur with her childs life now. She had tried so hard not to let those lines ever cross and that was why she'd stayed as far away as she possibly could. The only person that seemed to know what was _really _going on with her here was Logan.

Maybe though it was because he was the person watching her closest, everything else here was a distraction. She'd pulled everyone in one place and put a child there in what she'd said was an effort to see who she could or couldn't trust and an effort to catch everyone up in one move rather than having to deal with each person separately which would've usually been her play. She didn't like to be around large crowds with a few rare exceptions. This could've gone badly yet she'd done it anyway...

Why?

"Whatever it is you're planning, I'm gonna ask you not to do it." Logan leaned against the wall and he glanced sideways at her.

He watched her roll her eyes and huff out a sigh before she turned to look at him and he shook his head at her. He knew her well enough by now to know when she was trying to defect and she was now. She was trying to make him think that he was overreacting and that was exactly why he knew he wasn't.

"Don't give me that look, kid. I know you well enough to know when you're running a play without making it too obvious you are. I've run ops with you before, I knew you when you were just a kid under orders to kill me so don't stand there and tell me you ain't doing anything when we both know better." He sounded like the scornful father.

That seemed to amuse her because she smirked. He held his frown.

"You're not going after this asshole on your own, Natasha. Don't even think about it." He warned carefully.

She just rolled her eyes and huffed out a sigh. She had her arms folded across her chest and she couldn't meet his gaze which told him he was right and she was considering doing something utterly dumb. He cared too much about her to let her do that. He'd protect her as much as he could because he wasn't going to let her end up killing herself trying to end every damn issue she had on her own.

He knew she'd try too. Stubborn that one, she always had been.

"It isn't any of you he wants." She replied through gritted teeth.

"No but it's all of us he's gonna get. I ain't gonna let you do this and you know it. You look at her right now, you look at your baby and tell me honestly that you wanna run off half cocked and risk getting yourself killed."

He knew the moment she'd gotten everyone into one place it was because she was trying to distract from something, Natasha was smart and she could play people better than anyone else that he'd ever met. She was the best most highly trained person he knew and Natasha Romanoff was a force to be reckoned with and now that someone was threatening her baby he didn't want to think about what she might be capable of. 

He wasn't scared of many things but even he knew right now she was dangerous.

He watched her carefully, her body language shifted and changed as she raced through different thoughts and the emotions that came along with them. Natasha stood with a defensive posture for several moments, her eyes scanned the room as she watched everyone but never taking her eyes off of her baby, she was hyper aware of everything around her and while she was in a room full of people she knew and that she should be able to trust she just couldn't relax.

Logans words rung in her mind and she analysed her situation carefully trying to find something - anything really - that she could say to him that'd throw him off balance enough to make him believe she wasn't going to do anything stupid before slipping out of here alone. He was right and she hated that he was. She couldn't run off, she couldn't risk Liya growing up without her mother not when she'd already spent too much time without her father too.

Natasha sighed and rolled her eyes.

"You're an ass." She glared sideways at Logan as she spoke. "You're right but you're an ass." 

He reached out and pulled her into a hug as he chuckled.

"Rather be an ass than see you die, kid."

Not many people could call Natasha a kid, not many people she knew were older than she was. Bucky and Steve both were by mere years but Logan had a hell of a lot more than a few years on her. She loved Logan, he was pretty much the closest thing she had to an actual family member.

"I wasn't going to die." She replied stubbornly.

He pulled back and studied her with a raised brow.

"You can't know that. You can't know anything." He wished she'd see she was being dumb.

He wished she'd seen how dangerous it all was but she was adamant that she knew best when in fact she didn't, not this time around. He understood better than she thought what it was to want to put everything on the line for the people you loved. He didn't allow himself to get too close to many people but the ones he did were people he'd risk everything for whether they knew it or not. He was always so fiere on the outside just like she was.

Both of them were so much more human than anyone around them thought half the time. Natasha's eyes fell to the floor and he squeezed her shoulder gently.

"We're all here for you and her, we aren't gonna let anything happen to any of you but you have to _trust _people for once. You have to actually _let _us help." He sounded earnest.

The tone of this voice made her feel terrible, she closed her eyes and sighed before she shook her head. She knew he was right and that was the worst of it. She'd invited everyone she trusted to one place to trick them and lie to them again and she knew that was probably the wrong thing to do. She didn't want him to be right. She wanted to slip out of here to deal with this on her own. She didn't want there to _be _a conversation much less one that actually talked her around.

She opened her eyes and glared at him.

"This is _my _fight." She answered with a determination in her voice that only made him laugh. Logan shook his head.

"If you believed that you wouldn't have asked anyone in this room here tonight, kid. If you believed that you wouldn't have took Steve's offer to let SHIELD protect you. You wouldn't have forgiven asshat over there for walking out on you. If you believe this is your fight you wouldn't have told any of 'em you had a kid and you'd be off halfway to God knows where dealing with this shit on your own but you aren't. You're here." He shrugged then.

"Fine. You're right." Natasha never did like to concede. "Maybe I should've just done it on my own."

Ah, he knew she'd twist it somehow. He just looked at her before he rolled his eyes.

"You ain't that stupid." He still seemed to believe that.

"I should've made sure I put him so deep in the ground last time that he'd never be able to claw his way out of whatever hell he was in." She did _not _sound happy.

There were few people she hates more than she hated him, after what he'd done to her it was no wonder. He had been another captor, another handler but the only difference was the son of a bitch had programmed her to marry him. He was a special kind of twisted.

He still believed all these years later that she should be his dutiful little wife, she'd never loved him, it had all been programming and lies. 

"I know how much you hate him and I'm worried that's gonna get the better of you and affect your judgement just like this, you gotta treat this like just another op, Natasha. You gotta treat it like he'd either target or youre gonna lose it and he's not worth that." 

Logan was right. Again.

"Stop doing that." She shot him a glare.

"Stop doing what?" He sounded confused. What the hell had he done?

"Being right." She sounded like a sullen child.

He burst out laughing at her and squeezed her shoulder. 

"Go see loverboy and your kid and stop being a dumb ass." 

She smiled as he spoke and turned to look at him over her shoulder as she started to walk and she mouthed a thank you. Logan merely nodded and she couldn't help but thinking how glad she was to have him in her life still after all these years.

Becky turned to look at her as she walked over wordlessly and she wrapped her arms ariu d him before burying her head in his chest. 

"Thank you." She murmured softly. "For being here for me and Liya, thank you."

Of course after all of these years if she allowed herself to admit it, wasn't that what she'd wanted?

"Always." He promised. "I'll never leave you again."

His arms closed around her as he spoke and for the first time all day she found peace.


	12. You're my little girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky talks Liya out of her fears... and Clint Barton gets a few things off of his mind.

She didn't understand any of this no matter how much she tried, while she enjoyed meeting all of these people - Superheroes are cool! - she was still bewildered on why they were all here and why she'd heard more than a few of them tell her mom that they'd protect her no matter what. What did she need protecting from? Why wasn't she safe with her mom like she'd always been? Was her mom sick...

Was _she _sick?

She was happy, truly she was but listening to people saying that they'd protect her in her world wasn't a standard thing unless it was Uncle Logan or Uncle Clint. They were two people that'd always protected her along with her mom and Aunt Laura and Aunt Bobbi. They didn't come in though saying that they'd protected her no matter what she'd just always known it. It didn't need to be said, she knew they were her family and family protected each other.

They didn't go out of their way to tell her mom they'd do it, t least not that she knew and so she watched the people around her and she could feel nothing but a rising tide of worry as she wandered off from the group wondering to herself if this protection would mean she'd have to leave somewhere all over again.

Her mom promised that they wouldn't have to leave this time. She released a slow, deep sigh as she moved over to the far end of Tony's lounge and sat on a big chair with her legs pulled to her chest. She could see her mom talking to uncle Logan and he seemed to be looking rather serious but she couldn't see her moms face. Her sad blue eyes surveyed the room she'd been happy to explore full of people she'd been excited to talk to just moments before.

All of a sudden this room didn't seem so fun anymore. All of a sudden this room - and everyone in it - seemed scary.

She pulled her knees to her chest and buried her head and quiet tears fell down her cheeks. She didn't want to have to leave again. She didn't want to have to move. She just wanted one place to be home now and if they moved again what would happen with her father? Would he come with them? Would he be gone all over again? Her mom still seemed so mad at him for everything and while confusion was beginning to set in there for her too she was too afraid to say anything in case he left again.

She didn't want him to go. She didn't want _anyone _to have to go. 

She wasn't the kind of kid to consider running away, she knew by now that the world was big and scary and her mom had told her a million times that all she wanted to do was keep her safe but she couldn't deny that she was mad. She wad mad as hell at her mom because she'd _Promised _that they wouldn't leave again and now everyone was talking about protecting her! Just once, she wished that people wouldn't be so intent on doing it because then maybe she wouldn't have to leave all the time.

She felt a warm hand on her knee and she peeked up through a curtain of hair that had fallen around her face, her watery eyes studied her father and she unfurled herself and wiped away the tears on her sleeves. Clearly bothered by what he was seeing, he lowered himself so that he knelt in front of her.

"Hey, what's wrong?" He sounded so worried as he spoke.

Liya flicked her eyes to her lap and she rang her hands together before she moved one to toy with the bracelet on her wrist to give her something to focus on. 

"Mom has everyone talking about protecting me." She muttered quietly. "So now I think we have to leave because every time she talks about protecting me we have to leave. She _promised _daddy! She promised no more leaving!"

She was fighting back tears as she spoke. She was sick of having to leave. She was sick of having to be told that it was all about keeping her safe when all it did was make her sad. She couldn't stay in one place for too long, every time she had made a good friend she'd have to go all over again and she wasn't even allowed to write just in case... She wasn't even sure _what _the danger was but it was all about protecting her. It was all about keeping her safe...

But safe from _what _exactly?!

The small girl inhaled a deep breath.

"But I don't _want _to leave but no one ever asks me what I want! I'm sick of leaving." She was trying her best _not _to shout too loud... Loud was bad.

"I don't wanna move anymore, I want to stay and be here with you and with mom and uncle Clint and Uncle Logan and Aunt Laura and-" She huffed out a sigh and fell back in her chair as she folded her arms across her chest.

What did it even matter anyway, if her mom said she was moving then she was moving and that was the end of that debate. She looked altogether dejected.

Bucky - clearly understanding what was going on with her - offered her a soft, warm smile before he shook his head and stood up to go and sit beside her. He pulled her into a hug and placed a kiss against the top of her head.

"No, no leaving this time okay? All of these people just love your mom so much they wanna be there for you too. It's a big world, right? Big and scary sometimes and they're superheroes! All they wanna do is protect the whole wide world but no one more than you." He moved one hand to touch the end of her nose.

He smiled. She looked up at him and he watched her start to calm down. Clearly, it was reassurance that she was seeking and he knew that she'd had her life uprooted and unsettled that many times over the years that she'd probably never really found a real home anywhere. Her mother would always do whatever she needed to do to protect her baby but more than anything right now he wanted to assure her that she didn't need to leave all over again.

"Your mom promised you and she's telling you the truth, no more leaving. We're gonna stay here, all three of us with all of these Superheroes and cool people around that love you. It's all gonna be okay this time. No more moving, no more needing to be someplace else okay? You're okay. You can stay." 

All she'd wanted was to find a home, it was a sentiment he knew that both of her parents shared too. They'd lived transient lives, they'd had to run and move more times than they'd been settled and even when they'd had places of their own they were still out on some mission or another more times than they were actually home and so half of the time it felt as if they didn't have a place to stop and just be still at all.

He knew that Natasha wanted better for their daughter and so did he. He wanted her to know that it wasn't always about running away. He wanted her to know that she could have a home and that she was safe and that there was no more need to run but the truth was so far from that and so all he could do was offer her small reassurances. He couldn't tell her the truth, no one could even begin to explain that story and so he wouldn't because no child deserved to be burdened by it but she did need to know that now, there was no more running.

Now, she could be here and she could _stay _because there were people here who'd fight the monsters for her. He'd missed out on enough of her life and he wasn't going to let that happen again. He glanced down at the girl who seemed altogether calm but still uncertain and saddened by everything. He wished that there was something he could do - anything - to take all of this away and make it okay for her but he knew that it was impossible. All he could do was the same as everyone else here: Protect her no matter what.

This little girl could never find out about the danger she was in because he knew if she did it'd destroy her innocence just like those people had destroyed her mothers and he wouldn't let that happen. If she found out what the world really was and who - and what - her mother really was it'd change everything for her and she deserved better than that. She deserved better than these monsters changing everything for her. She was better. She was strong and brave and stubborn just like her mother but she was so young.

She deserved better. He would never let that dark world touch her life and he knew her mother wouldn't either. No one here would. They'd do whatever it took to keep her safe and it didn't matter to him or to her mother what lines had to be crossed for that to happen. Emiliya was the priority. She was the only thing that mattered in all of this and Natasha had made that clear. Their daughter mattered more than anything else in the world.

"Why don't you go see your mom, okay? She'll tell you too that you're staying here for real. No more moving. You should go talk to her, she wouldn't want you upset and not turning to her would she?" He brushed her cheek with his hand as he spoke.

He wouldn't ever step in and try to do what her mother would do for her. He wouldn't ever encourage her to keep anything from her mother and so he would always encourage her to talk to her mother about whatever she talked to him about. He knew how close their relationship was, he'd never step in or want to change that. She _needed _to talk to her mother and he needed to know exactly why Clint Barton was glaring at him.

It wasn't like they got along all too well in the first place but still... Barton clearly had something he wanted to say. 

"What do you want, Clint?" Bucky sounded annoyed as he spoke.

Clint assessed him with an expression of anger that somehow as managed to border on cocky. Trust it to be Clint to pull that one off. He didn't seem overly thrilled about what Bucky had to say though because he glared at him.

"If you hurt either of them I swear I'll end you myself for real." Clint didn't like Bucky. Not one bit.

What he'd done to Natasha was low. She deserved better and Em deserved better, as far as Clint was concerned he'd abandoned his family and there was no talking his way around that with half assed explanations or anything else. He'd abandoned his family and to him it really was that simple. He didn't care if Bucky swore there was more to it, it didn't matter.

Needless to say, Bucky was irked. He closed his eyes and dragged in a few deep breaths before he looked back at Clint t address what he'd said.

"I love her. You _know _I love her. I messed up and I'll hold my hands up to that but I won't ever hurt either of them. Not Natasha or my daughter. I'll protect them both until the day I die. I messed up bad, I missed years of my kids life and I missed years with her mom but I won't miss another goddamn day." Not one.

He'd vowed it to both Liya and Natasha. He would never miss another day. He'd be there no matter what.

"You're damn right you messed up. I was there the whole damn time, I saw how she grieved for you and how hard she fought to be a good mom and compensate for you being gone, I watched her with agony in her eyes but a smile on her lips for Em's sake. I saw it all and I won't have her hurt like that again." 

Bucky understood every ounce of Clint's anger. He didn't have to like it but he understood it. He was Natasha's best friend and he loved Liya a lot that much was easy to see and he owed Clint so much for being there for her when he wasn't. 

"I owe you more than I can repay for being there for them both and I get why you're pissed but I swear I will never ever leave them again." It was all he could do. All he could do was reiterate that and hope her best friend believed him.

"Yeah well if you slip even once I mean it, I'll end you. I ain't gonna let you hurt either of them." Clint scowled.

In that moment Bucky was thankful she had such a good friend, he didn't like Clint much but it was clear how much he cared for Natasha and Emiliya and he was thankful for that.

More thankful than he could ever explain.


	13. Just stay strong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha and Bucky forge a plan but in doing so, Bucky makes Natasha realise she had to trust her friends too,

Two days had been quiet since she'd decided to drag everyone into one room so that she could get the whole damn thing over and done with. When Liya had told her that she was afraid her mother was going to make her leave again she felt utterly terrible about it but there wasn't all that much she could do; Natasha was smart enough to know leaving was a bad idea. She could take care of herself if it were just her but it wasn't.

She had agreed - reluctantly - with Logan that she wouldn't run off and do anything herself because he didn't want her dead, he was right of course she was no use to her daughter if she was dead but that didn't stop her from hating the fact that she had to drag everyone else into all of this when it wasn't their fight or at least in her eyes it wasn't their fight. 

She'd been reminded a few times that it was their fight too because they loved her and they loved her daughter. She was thankful for that in her own way even if she was frustrated by it all. She wished that shed didn't have to drag them into her mess but... Well there wasn't really anything she could do about it.

She stared at the message in her hands though and she knew that she had to weigh up the risks here; he'd issued her an open challenge. Naturally he was baiting her and she was smart enough to know that but that didn't make it any less irritating. She turned to look at James and she handed the note to him with a sigh as she shook her head. Her green eyes remained fixed on him as she watched him read it and his expression became angry.

She wasn't sure if it was because of the threat that was issued, because of the audacity of what he'd done or if it was because she'd been forced into marrying him after they'd torn them apart. She supposed it was a mixture of the three. She knew how much he hated what they'd made her do after they'd torn the two of them apart. 

"He's baiting me." She stated with a roll of her eyes.

He already knew that though. He was trying to make like he could touch any part of her life that he wanted to because he'd found out about her child and he'd found her even when she'd managed to hide from her friends for years and while she was curious about how, stopping him right now seemed like the priority. She could find out who was behind his knowledge after that was over. Stopping the immediate threat was her priority.

"So do we answer the challenge or do we leave it? Either way it gives him more power. We answer it he gets what he wants, we don't he thinks we're afraid of him. There's no way in any of this where we come out on top." Not that she cared what he thought.

She knew he didn't either but that didn't make it any less annoying for either of them. He huffed out a sigh and rolled his eyes. She was right and he hated it. Either way it'd seem like he was in control and that was something Bucky wasn't keen on abiding. 

"I don't know." He sighed. "You're right, no matter what we do he wins."

"Unless he doesn't." She replied thoughtfully. "What if _I _don't answer it but someone else does?"

He frowned at her and offered her a questioning look.

"What if we let someone else handle it?" She hated the idea but... "If he wants a fight he'll get it but maybe someone else being there will show him what he's up against?"

She was trying to be smart. She hated the idea but what more could she do? Logan had made her promise she'd be smart about this for Emiliya's sake. She couldn't very well go into something she _knew _was a trap. She'd just be putting herself in danger when she knew her little girl needed her. She knew her little girl needed her mother _alive _and she couldn't guarantee that if she answered his challenge.

"Send who?" Bucky questioned dubiously. "We'd be putting them in danger too."

"Tony, Carol, Laura, Logan... Anyone. Anyone but you or me." She sounded reluctant. "I hate the idea too but Logan was right: I'm no good to her if I'm dead or controlled by that bastard. He wins if he does that. He wins if he gets me where he wants me."

She gritted her teeth and balled her hands into fists. She was fighting against her own instincts and he knew it. It was her instinct to fight this alone. It was her instinct to do this her way but she had to be smart. She had to think about her child - their child - before she thought about her anger and before she let it win. It wasn't just about her anymore. 

"That could work." He conceded with a sigh. "Carol and Steve. We should send Carol and Steve."

They were their best bets he was sure. They could keep Logan, Tony and Laura on standby as backup but Steve and Carol would be the best ones to assess the situation properly and prove to him that what he was up against wasn't worth whatever game he was playing. They were strong people. Powerful. They could more than handle themselves even if they both hated the idea of putting any of them in any danger at all.

"Okay." She sighed. "It's all we can do. I can't answer it and neither can you without him winning but..."

Maybe sending someone else in their stead would be just as bad as not showing up at all. He could consider it an act of cowardice not that she cared what he thought about her. He was baiting her and she'd throw him a message as to why that was a bad idea even if that message happened to be conveyed through her friends and not her. If he thought she was afraid of him that could work in her favor too though.

He walked toward her and pulled her into his arms. He knew how much she hated all of this. He could literally _feel _the tension in her body. She didn't want to put anyone else in a position to be hurt by this son of a bitch and he couldn't blame her but if she lost control he was still winning. If she lost control he'd get exactly what he wanted because her anger would make her reckless.

Her anger would put her in danger.

"We'll get him, I promise." He spoke softly. "He won't come out of this."

She looked up at him as she pulled back and she frowned. She could read his expression and she could tell that there was more to his words than he was letting on but he'd promised her no more lies. He'd promised her that no matter what, he'd be honest with her.

"Maybe it's better for us both to hold onto a little of who we were back then." He hated the idea of it as much as he hated saying it.

"What do you mean?" She had to ask. "Can we- Is that-?" 

He leaned down to kiss her almost like he was trying to calm the both of them.

"He wanted Natasha Romanov the mother. The Avenger. He thinks she's too weak to fight back but..." He drifted off.

"The Black Widow isn't." She finished for him. 

He nodded.

"So we do what? Hold onto the darker sides of ourselves even for just a little while?"

"To save our daughter? Yeah. He wants to screw with her he gets the worst we can throw at him and we both know who we were is the one thing he won't know how to handle. He's never seen me as-" Bucky hated the idea and it was clear in his voice. 

"The Winter Soldier. He's never seen The Winter Soldier." Bucky was right of course. "He hasn't seen us as the deadliest team in the world all he knows is the stories."

Legends. All he knew was the legends that remained when they were ripped from one another. They were the best of the best for a reason but that darkness was dangerous. That darkness opened up holes inside of the both of them that they risked never being able to close up again. It risked freeing monsters that weren't only dangerous to the world but for the two people that had tried to move on from being those people too.

"Okay." She nodded. "If he wants to play this game we'll give him the worst of it. Not the heroes, not the people that wanna save anyone but the people who'll destroy him because they were taught to neutralise a threat no matter what that took."

She'd told Clint she didn't want her son of a bitch ex husband making it out of this anyway. This was one way of making sure that didn't happen. 

"It isn't gonna be as simple as lining up a shot." She sighed. "I'm gonna have to make him exposed."

She shuddered then. She hated that idea more than she could begin to explain. It was one thing to send someone in as a show of force but it was another entirely to get someone exactly where you wanted them and that was something that she hated having to do and the one thing she'd sworn she'd never do again. She hated the idea of him touching her and she knew from the look on Bucky's face that he hated it too.

"I swear if I think it's going too far I'll step in even if I blow the whole damn thing." He warned. "I won't stand by and let him-"

He sounded jealous. She smirked and shook her head.

"Jealous, handsome? That's cute." 

The fact that he became immediately defensive made her laugh. He stepped noted her amusement and shook his head pulling her forward again and kissed her roughly before he studied her. Her eyes were wide and her heart was starting to race.

"Jealously implies you want what someone else has." He informed her before he kissed her again. "I'm not jealous of him."

Never.

"We aren't sending anyone else in are we?" She smirked as she spoke.

"Hell no." He shrugged. There was no way anyone else was fighting their battle for them. "He thinks I'm dead and that's why he's brave enough to do this shit now."

She'd already figured that out for herself. He'd have thought she'd never recovered from her grief and that she'd be too caught up in being a mother to be able to fight back or handle a threat like that and he was wrong, he was so very wrong. He'd never understood love, all he'd ever done was use people for his own benefit. He didn't know how caring for someone else could make you stronger.

It wasn't the weakness that she'd been taught it was. She hated him more than she hated any other living soul on this planet.

"He'll stay dead this time." Bucky vowed as he held to her hand. "I promise."

She certainly hoped so. More than anything else in the world she wanted to put an end to him simply because he'd thought he could torment her for a hell of a long time now, he'd been in and out of her life causing her nothing but misery and now he was threatening her child too. She hated the fact that he thought he could manipulate her even all these years later. She'd never forgive him for what he'd done to her.

The very thought of it made _her _just as angry as it made him. She was glad - despite his 'efforts' - that she'd never had a child to him. The thought made her nauseous. She could think of no one worse to have a child with than him. She'd been nothing but property to him and she'd have hated to see what any child would've been.

He could tell something was going on with her, he could tell that she was going through more pain than she wanted to admit. He'd never asked her about his time with that son of a bitch because he knew she didn't like to talk about it and it was nothing but pain to her but... He hated the idea of anyone using her like that. She was his soulmate, he loved her and the thought of any goddamn person in this world hurting her was more than he could take. 

The anger inside of him was equal to the anger inside of her... Or perhaps hers was worse. She'd been the one to endure it after all. He pulled her against him this time in a more gentle, protective manner and he held her there almost as though he never wanted to let her go.

"No one will ever hurt you like that again and he'll _never _get anywhere near our baby girl or you. Never again. What he did to you was something you should've never had to go through. I failed to save you once from him I won't do that again. I won't ever let him touch you again." He'd never ever let _anything _hurt her again.

Not ever. Not even for one second. They'd taken her away from him once and he'd failed to keep her safe he wouldn't ever let her down like that again. He wouldn't let _anyone _from that world ever hurt her again and he sure as hell wouldn't let anyone hurt their baby. He'd already let them both down too much already.

"I know you won't. I know you won't let anyone hurt either of us and I know that I just- what if I slip up? What if he's right and being a mother makes me weaker? What if I can't step up and do what needs to be done because I don't wanna risk losing it for her sake?" Naturally Natasha was worried.

He simply smiled.

"You think I can't bring you back? You did it for me, you know there's no way in hell I'm gonna let you stay in the dark."

"And if we both fall?" It was an obvious question but she still had to ask it. "What do we do if we both fall, James? What if we both slip away?"

His smile didn't falter at all, instead all he did was shake his head and hold to her hand reassuring her that he was there and that her fight was his too, she was not alone and she never would be again.

"We won't, we won't fall because we both know that her life is what we're fighting for out there, she'll hold us here, she'll stop us going too far over the edge." He knew that with absolute certainty. 

Their baby was what they fought for now and their baby would be what they held out for when they were out there in the cold darkness of the world they'd both fought fiercely to escape. He knew that and he knew _her, _she wouldn't fall so easily into the dark when she knew the light that waited for them when they returned.

"We won't send anyone else in our place but we _will _have backup, Natalia. We have to have backup because what we fight for is too important. You asked those people for help and now we show them that we trust them. We fight fire with fire but we let them in, we have to."

He was right and she knew it, the idea of putting anyone in the firing line along with them but he was right: she'd asked for help and now she had to show the people she'd asked that she trusted them now the way she'd been unable to all those years ago.

She had to accept that she wasn't alone and she never had been, these people were her family and now when she fought for everything she loved, she'd let them fight by her side.


End file.
